Xi didn’t really see a point to Kier’s visit – but hey, let a hundred flowers bloom | John Crace

A picture


Let’s face it, this was never going to be a meeting of equals.Keir Starmer had been desperate to squeeze in a trip to China for some time.Another country to tick off his list and he always feels a lot better about himself when he’s abroad.Less noise from his unhappy MPs.Plus he loved the pomp and ceremony that came with it.

The large flags.The military bands.A country that treated him with respect.Almost.Besides, Mark Carney and Emmanuel Macron had both made recent trips.

He had seen their holiday photos,Now it was his turn,He couldn’t bear to be left out,The Chinese? Not so much,They couldn’t really see the point.

But they would schedule in a couple of meetings on the condition the UK government gave the green light to the new “mega embassy” near the Tower of London.Consider it done, said Keir.All systems go for the first prime-ministerial visit since Theresa May in 2018.There were a few more conditions.Xi Jinping had made it clear there would be a joint press conference with himself and Starmer.

Xi doesn’t take well to answering hostile questions from the media.Instead there would be a joint statement in which they mouthed mostly bland platitudes.A way of filling dead air.Keir had quickly agreed.Any opportunity to prevent a possible diplomatic incident was fine by him.

He would handle the British media in his own way.Taking a long time to say not very much.Words that would die within milliseconds of broadcast.As though his entire plan for the trip had been to get as little TV coverage as possible.An unusual strategy.

But the only one that made any real sense.The meeting between Starmer and Xi had been scheduled to last 40 minutes.Hardly worth a four-day trip with a large trade delegation, you’d have thought.Maybe the two leaders really didn’t have anything much to say to each other.Certainly not for public consumption at a bilateral meeting in Beijing.

Or maybe it was all a bluff,Shoot low and when the meeting runs to double the estimated time, both sides can claim it as a sign of how well they were getting on,Or maybe the simultaneous translation failed and the two leaders had to get the other’s sentences repeated back in their own language,Then the end-of-summit statements,For Keir this was everything he had dreamed of.

Sitting at the same table as a previously hostile superpower.Though obviously he wasn’t going to do more than allude to any potential differences.That generally wasn’t seen as a great idea on a first date.What Britain needed with China was a “sophisticated” relationship.Mmm.

Are you sure about that, Keir? A sophisticated relationship is one in which either one or both of a middle-class or celebrity couple are routinely unfaithful to one another but stay together for the sake of convenience and appearances.Was that what Keir meant? Did he want to sign off some deal that was worth more to China than it was to Britain? While turning a blind eye to China funding and providing weapons to some of the world’s rogue states.Actually, yes.That was what he meant.Any relationship was better than none.

Xi used his opportunity to bestow a little largesse,The Labour party had shown great wisdom in its efforts to improve relations,The last few years had done neither country any favour,Here Xi took a swipe at Kemi Badenoch for trying to inflame hostilities at every opportunity,Keir might have suggested to the Chinese that they shouldn’t take this too personally.

Kemi was a one woman piece of liability-driven performance art.Just the previous day she had first said she wanted to see the back of her rightwing drama queens before telling the centrists they also were no longer welcome.She won’t be happy until the Tory party is hers alone.Along with human tick Chris Philp.There would be new opportunities opening, Xi went on to say.

Though he wasn’t at all clear what they might be.But let a hundred flowers bloom and all that.There had been twists and turns that had been in neither country’s interests.Now was the time to put those differences aside.Well, some of them.

Let’s be grown up,Of course China was spying on the UK,Just as the UK was spying on China,It was hardly Xi’s fault if his spies were more effective than ours,“Range far your eye over long distances,” Xi concluded, quoting a Chinese proverb.

Maybe he knows more about Keir’s long-term prospects than we did.Later in the day, Starmer chose to give a number of interviews to British reporters.While they all appreciated the good vibes, could Keir talk through some of the tangible gains he had made? Er, top secret, but Chinese companies would no longer supply outboard motors to people smugglers.Not directly at any rate.Who knew what happened on secondary markets.

The smuggling gangs must now be in a right panic.And Brits would now get visa free access to China for 30 days.Just like Germany and France.This was a huge win, said Keir.There were other deals potentially in the offing in the future.

It felt very much as if the Chinese were all out to sell to us.Rather than buy.I hope our trade delegation aren’t too disappointed about that.Moving on.Had Starmer mentioned the British Hong Kong dissident Jimmy Lai? And all those MPs who had been sanctioned by the Chinese state? Yes, I did, said Keir.

But very quietly.More of a mumble, really.Probably when Xi needed to take a toilet break.Still, someone on the Chinese delegation had said the prime minister’s comments had been noted.But they would be making no plans to activate any changes any time soon.

Don’t watch this space,Finally the news we had all been waiting for,Starmer might not have been able to restrain himself from offering the Chinese a return state visit to the UK,Maybe not in so many words,But definitely some heavy hints.

He just couldn’t help himself.He had known the previous year that it had been a mistake to offer Donald Trump a state visit on their first meeting.He had tried to play it cool.Not give away the one bargaining chip he had.The only thing Trump wanted from the UK.

Other than flattery.Now he had done it again.If only he was better at deferred gratification.The Bonfire of the Insanities by John Crace (Guardian Faber Publishing, £16.99).

To support the Guardian, order your copy at guardianbookshop,com,Delivery charges may apply,
A picture

Slurp the blues away: Ravinder Bhogal’s recipes for winter noodle soup-stews

One of the best things for lifting deflated spirits is a deep bowl of steaming, restorative soup – perfect for warming the places your old woolly jumper can’t reach. I love the romance and cosiness of creamy European soups drunk straight out of a mug around a fire in November, but in the icy tundra that is January I need something with more heat and intensity, something sustaining, spicy, gutsy and textured, so that I need a fork or chopsticks to eat it, rather than just a spoon. These punchy soups are simply rapture in a bowl, and make for extremely satisfying slurping.Khao swe is a Burmese noodle soup with hot coconut broth, springy noodles and a madness of garnishes, from boiled eggs to peanuts or crisp shallots. Feel free to swap out the poultry for vegetables such as pumpkin or tofu, or seafood such as prawns

A picture

Savoury snacks to stave off the lure of the biscuit tin | Kitchen aide

What savoury snacks do your recipe columnists make when they’re trying to stay away from the biscuit tin?Jess, by email The pull of the biscuit tin is all too familiar to Guardian baker Benjamina Ebuehi, who, unsurprisingly, is often found in full “sweet mode”. To counterbalance the intake of cake, she tends to look for “something salty, spiced and crisp”, and, if time is on her side, that usually means homemade tortilla chips. “Chop corn tortillas into triangles, brush with olive oil and seasonings – flaky salt, za’atar, dukkah, garlic granules, or everything bagel seasoning, which is elite.” Bake until nice and crisp, then dunk into hummus. Her fellow Guardian regular Georgina Hayden is also rarely found without a tub of that creamy chickpea dip, whether it’s homemade or shop-bought: “I usually drizzle chilli crisp oil over the top of my hummus, then scoop it up with crudites [celery, carrot, cucumber, say]

A picture

José Pizarro’s recipe for slow-roast celeriac with rosemary and crisp chorizo

Celeriac is easy to ignore or overlook, but it really deserves a bit of attention in winter. January is a time for turning on the oven and cooking without having to think too much, and this is the sort of dish that more or less looks after itself while you get on with your evening. The kitchen feels warmer, the smell changes and you know that dinner is sorted. This is simple, honest food, and not remotely trying to be clever. It’s just something to put in the middle of the table, cut into and share, which is exactly what you want when the days are cold and nights are long

A picture

Georginia Hayden’s quick and easy recipe for roast sprout salad with anchovies and parmesan | Quick and easy

Brussels sprouts are for life, not just for Christmas. They’re still making a regular appearance in our house, from shredded and stir-fried with chilli and spice, to roasted and dressed, as in this salad. And what a salad it is: with a caesar-esque dressing, it is crisp, salty and crunchy, and hits all the right notes. You can bulk it out, if you like, by topping it with a few soft, jammy boiled eggs cut into wedges or some shredded leftover chicken. However, it is pretty perfect as it is, as a light lunch or side

A picture

‘Dad never took his customers for granted’: remembering Abdul’s in Sydney’s ‘Little Lebanon’

When Abdul’s Lebanese Restaurant closed earlier this month, it was a shock. A beloved fixture of inner Sydney’s landscape since 1968, the restaurant fed celebrities, broke students and anyone in need of a hearty kebab at the end of a night out.For Hiba Damaa, whose parents Dib and Nizam Ghazal opened the restaurant and named it after her eldest brother Abdul – who eventually ran it with his two brothers – it represented the pioneering spirit of early Lebanese migration.“Abdul’s originated as a Lebanese sweets and pastry shop run by my brother-in-law,” she says. “When he wanted to move on, my parents started selling falafel sandwiches

A picture

How to make a clootie dumpling – recipe | Felicity Cloake's Masterclass

Clootie dumpling is, let’s face it, a much better name than spotted dick, but if you were fond of the latter at school, you’ll probably enjoy this very similar, classic Scottish steamed pudding. Not too sweet and, thanks to the apple and carrot, lighter than it sounds, this is a proper winter dessert and the perfect end to a Burns supper, especially when served with custard or ice-cream.Prep 20 min Cook 3 hr 15 minServes 8-10110g fresh suet, or dried suet or a vegetarian alternative225g plain flour, plus extra for dusting½ tsp baking powder ½ tsp fine salt 1 tsp mixed spice 1 tsp ground ginger ¼ tsp ground allspice ¼ tsp nutmeg 110g soft brown sugar 75g fine fresh breadcrumbs 25g coarse oatmeal, or 25g extra breadcrumbs 200g currants 100g sultanas or raisins – golden ones look especially pretty 1 large green apple 1 carrot Finely grated zest of 1 unwaxed orange or lemon 1 egg, beaten2 tbsp treacle About 60ml milkHalf-fill a large saucepan for which you have a lid with water, then bring to a boil (if you have a pan with handles on the side, so much the better). Soak a clean tea towel (a smooth one, rather than anything fluffy or towel-like) or cheesecloth in water. And have ready some butcher’s string, or similar