For once, Nigel Farage is the dog that doesn’t bark | John Crace
The dog that didn’t bark in the night.You can normally set your watches by Reform.It’s a rare Monday morning in which Nigel Farage doesn’t pop up somewhere in central London to give a press conference.Even when he has nothing new to announce, he usually has no shame in saying something he’s said before many times.He likes the attention.
Makes him feel valued.Satisfies his rampant narcissism.Speaking in a Commons statement with only a few MPs present on either side of the chamber doesn’t touch the sides.So you would have thought that this Monday of all Mondays Nige would have called his weekly presser.Because there’s so much he must want to talk about.
The allegations of electoral fraud in his Clacton constituency,The fallout from Nathan Gill, Reform’s erstwhile leader in Wales, taking bribes to speak on behalf of the Russians,Not least because it appears to be contagious, with several other Ukip/Brexit party/Reform members in the frame,There’s also the racism and antisemitism from his time at school,Not to mention the row he’s started with the BBC.
But no,Nige has unexpectedly taken a vow of silence,Perhaps that’s a blessing to us all,Though think of what we are missing,An explanation of how of all 650 MPs, he was the politician least likely to have filed inaccurate accounts.
A detailed slideshow of where all the money came from and how it was spent,We would expect nothing less of Farage,A man who has always done everything by the book,As for the racism, that would have easily been dealt with,The 28 other Dulwich pupils had all collectively got the wrong end of the stick.
When he had pointed out to a black boy that Africa was that way, he had only been trying to help.He had thought the boy was genuinely lost and needed directions.Continue on the South Circular as far as the A2 and then fuck off to Dover.And his fallout with the BBC was easily explained.Nige was just a regular woke guy.
He had never been one of those free speech fanatics who stood up for Bernard Manning.There wasn’t a show he didn’t want to cancel.Still, politics abhors a vacuum.So the Monday central London press conference went to Kemi Badenoch as, flanked by survivors and family members, she proposed new terms of reference for the rape gangs inquiry.“I am here to offer my help,” she said.
“This is not a party political issue.I want to work on a cross-party basis.”This almost sounded like a genuine offer.Except no sooner had these sentences escaped her lips than she started to slag off all the other parties.The government lacked the political courage.
Were too afraid to tackle questions of ethnicity.As for the Lib Dems, Reform, the Greens, the SNP and Plaid Cymru, they had nothing to say about the rape gangs at all.So as far as Kemi was concerned they were complicit in the abuse.Siding with the rapists.This was Kemi in cross-party action.
About as giving and collegiate as she gets,“I just want to be helpful,” she sobbed,Even Chris Philp, who had been brought along almost entirely as decoration, seemed taken aback by this,Life is one long competition for Kemi,And often the person she is competing against is herself.
While sympathetic and compassionate to the victims, the media were understandably sceptical about Kemi’s motives.Sky pointed out that Sajid Javid had tried and failed as home secretary to establish an inquiry in 2018.These things were difficult.So was she saying the Tory party was also guilty of letting down survivors?Kemi shook her head.She wasn’t saying that at all.
She wanted to work in a cross-party fashion just so long as everyone understood the Conservatives had always done their best and Labour and the other parties were to blame.Others wanted to know if Kemi had reached out to other parties before calling the press conference.It might have been more constructive to build bridges than to go it alone.After all this wasn’t being billed as a “Grooming Gangs” press conference.It had been advertised as a Conservative one.
Now, Kemi started to get narked.“I don’t have time to jump on a far-right bandwagon,” she snapped.Which was odd.Partly because no one had hinted that this might be a far-right bandwagon.But mainly because these are precisely the bandwagons that attract her.
Meanwhile, Keir Starmer was getting down with the kids,Boasting about how he was now not only on TikTok but he was the first world leader to have his own Substack account,It can’t be long before he also has his own podcast,Almost as if he is having a late midlife crisis,Perhaps he will soon have his own YouTube chatshow.
He’s heard that Liz Truss’s has been a tremendous success,A collector’s item,Much like Keir’s Substack,“Dear Young People,“You are probably wondering why I am writing a Substock.
I mean Substack,It is because I want to be down with the millennials and gen Z,Six-Seven,I want to communicate with you,To give you an insight into the real Keir.
I want you to know that ‘Everything I do, I do it for you’.As Bryan Ferry once said.Six-Seven.“I want to tell you a story about Stacey.Stacey is the mother of two young children who struggles to put food on the table.
Now I care about Stacy.Though not enough to be bothered to spell her name right consistently.Now Stacey also works.And here’s the thing.Six-Sevens of children in poverty come from working families.
That’s so important, which is why I’ve written in italics.“Here’s a graph.It shows the effects of the two-child benefit cap.Oh, sorry.That’s the one of my popularity ratings falling.
Six-Seven.But things are going to be great.Soz about the tax rises, but that’s better than austerity or borrowing.Liz Truss did that and now she’s a YouTube superstar.”Anyway.
Enough from me for now,See you soonMuch love, Special KThe Bonfire of the Insanities by John Crace (Guardian Faber Publishing, £16,99),To support the Guardian, order your copy at guardianbookshop,com.
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