Welcome to Anxietyland: I used alcohol to hide my fear – but booze became a very bad friend
In 2018, I was in my 30s and living in Oakland, California, having moved there from the UK in 2015.I had always struggled with anxiety and panic attacks, but I was doing fairly well – until suddenly I wasn’t.I started having back-to-back panic attacks, wandering the streets of Oakland and nearby Berkeley in a desperate attempt to shake them, without success.My life felt like an out-of-control fairground ride.Actually, it felt more like an entire theme park.
I could see the rides in my head: attractions like the Emotional Rollercoaster, representing the rise and fall of a panic attack, the Depression Obstacle Course, a treacherous and challenging trail, and the House of No Fun, a confusing maze of dissociation and depersonalisation,Eventually I saw the whole map: Anxietyland,I knew Anxietyland well,I had ridden on the Anxie-Tea Cups, on which I realised that drinking a nice cup of tea – as one counsellor suggested – was not sufficient treatment for a clinical anxiety disorder,I had sat through the Magical Thinking Show, a place where I learned that I could not, in fact, control the outcome of real-life events using the power of my own thoughts.
I had been on all the rides multiple times, having suffered from anxiety and depression disorders since childhood.I thought that I knew the whole park like the back of my hand, but what was happening to me in 2018 was new – and utterly terrifying.I found myself on a new ride: the Downward Spiral.The Downward Spiral was a terrifying slide into the unknown.I’d experienced panic attacks before, beginning at 14, and I already struggled with phobias, including agoraphobia – the fear of becoming trapped in a situation where escape might be difficult or help unavailable.
I had avoided riding in lifts for years,But this was new,There was no clear trigger for the panic that enveloped my every waking moment in Oakland – and that made me feel even more out of control,I didn’t know it then, but I was suffering from panic disorder – essentially, I was panicking about panic,At the time, it felt like there was no way off the Downward Spiral.
There was one friend I did turn to for help, though,Boozy,In 2002, I had been accepted to study English literature at Cambridge, which I was very excited about,But upon my arrival at Homerton College, I began to feel an unexpected and intense anxiety around attending classes and meeting new people, a fear that quickly escalated into an inability to leave my room,I spent two weeks in this confusing state of panic, in a world that shrunk to the size of a tiny dorm room, which I named the Incredible Shrinking Comfort Zone, racking up huge phone bills by calling my parents in tears, desperate to go home, but deeply ashamed of my inability to cope.
I moved back home in a cloud of embarrassment and guilt.After this aborted attempt to go to university, I found myself on a different path: heading to art school after spending a year on an art foundation course in my home town of Ipswich, Suffolk.My decision to join the foundation course had been based, in part, on having nothing better to do – but I had found myself enjoying it.In particular, I liked the illustration classes, which had reawakened my interest in cartooning and animation, although I was unsure of my ability to turn those skills into a job.At the time, I was struggling with agoraphobia and found it difficult to leave the house (the college in Ipswich was within walking distance of my home), so I approached my second attempt at higher education with a certain amount of trepidation.
Once again, I found comfort in my friend Boozy,Giving up alcohol didn’t solve all of my problems, of course - but it was a good start,This is an extract from Anxietyland by Gemma Correll (Penguin, £25) Do you have an opinion on the issues raised in this article? If you would like to submit a response of up to 300 words by email to be considered for publication in our letters section, please click here,
Welcome to Anxietyland: I used alcohol to hide my fear – but booze became a very bad friend
In 2018, I was in my 30s and living in Oakland, California, having moved there from the UK in 2015. I had always struggled with anxiety and panic attacks, but I was doing fairly well – until suddenly I wasn’t. I started having back-to-back panic attacks, wandering the streets of Oakland and nearby Berkeley in a desperate attempt to shake them, without success.My life felt like an out-of-control fairground ride. Actually, it felt more like an entire theme park
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