Onwards and sideways for Keir after another U-turn leaves him going nowhere | John Crace
Not another one.On Tuesday evening, the government announced that it wasn’t going to make digital ID cards mandatory after all.Just months after Keir Starmer had made digital ID cards the cornerstone of his plans to stop migrants working illegally.It’s getting hard to keep up.At Christmas, we had the U-turn on inheritance tax on farms.
In the New Year, we had a U-turn on business rates for pubs.All U-turns that were undoubtedly for the better.All U-turns that came with their own numbing predictability.Almost as if the government hadn’t thought things through.Surely not.
History repeats itself, first as tragedy, then as farce.Politicians and news organisations have been fighting a losing battle in their efforts to keep a running tally.Sky made it 13 U-turns since Labour took office in 2024.It’s all become a bit of a joke and there is no sign of a letup.It can’t be long before the government has to do a rethink on jury trials.
The proposals are as unpopular with Labour MPs as they are with the rest of the country.It was no surprise that Kemi Badenoch used her time at the dispatch box during prime minister’s questions to have a go at the government’s about-turns.Why complicate things? Every party leader deserves an easy day sometimes.It must have been the shortest preparation for PMQs Kemi has ever done.Apart from the early days, when she hadn’t appeared to have done any.
History repeats itself, first as tragedy, then as farce,There has been some talk of a Kemi renaissance, but that’s because she is starting from a very low bar,Being slightly more confident than Starmer isn’t actually that great an achievement,The Tories’ poll ratings are still desperate,Kemi being able to stand up without falling over isn’t the win she thinks it is.
She is still hanging on to her position as Tory leader by her fingernails.That is her tragedy.As for Keir, it increasingly looks as if the public and his own MPs have lost the faith.He remains in Downing Street only because no one wants the job when an annihilation in the May elections is in the offing.All of which is rough on the man who detoxified the Labour brand enough to win a landslide at the last election.
In theory, Keir should be riding high and able to do what he wants with a massive majority.But he either doesn’t know what he wants or fucks it up when he does.That is his tragedy.Which brings us to the farce of PMQs.Because both Keir and Kemi have now decided they have had enough of being serious and to play the session for what passes for laughs.
To the first bad gag.Badenoch began with the digital ID U-turn.Didn’t the health secretary have a point when he suggested it would be more helpful if the government tried to get things right first time.It might give the country the confidence to believe Keir knew had some kind of plan, other than one that could be ripped up at a moment’s notice.You can’t sell every U-turn as a sign of a listening government.
Wes Streeting wagged his finger.“I never said that,” he shouted.But you sort of did, Wes.Didn’t you?Starmer immediately went on the offensive.When was a U-turn not a U-turn? When he had never intended the policy to be implemented in the first place.
Come up with some crap ideas, fool the public into thinking you really meant them, then reverse them and look brilliant … Keir’s voice tailed away,This wasn’t quite the killer line he had imagined,So instead he just started listing all the changes of prime minister, cabinet and policy in the Tories’ 14 years in government,“They’ve had more positions than the Kama Sutra,” he said,“No wonder they’re knackered and left the country screwed.
” Yuck.You hope for better than a borderline bad taste dad gag at PMQs.But we are where we are.Apparently we get the politicians we deserve.Lucky us.
And it was all downhill from here.Starmer was helped by Kemi’s lack of self-awareness.The Tory leader should know better than to say she was doing just fine and her own backbenchers were thrilled with her.She isn’t and they aren’t.The country is still a long way off forgiveness for their time in office.
But Keir just chose to play the rest of their exchanges for laughs.To make no pretence of answering any questions on the direction and capability of the government.He had recently been to the Croydon Ikea, Keir said.No one wanted their shadow cabinet range.Made of dead wood and all the nuts had defected to Reform.
Boom, boom.This was unmistakably in the format of a joke but it died a death on Starmer’s lips.He does serious far better than he does comedy.He has no sense of timing.To the next bad gags.
These were as much at Nadhim Zahawi’s expense as Kemi’s.But so what? All’s fair in love and war.He had heard he had been offering the Tories some advice just before his defection.Presumably on how not to get a peerage.Keir hoped the Tory leader hadn’t been asking for tax advice.
That sound? The sound of one side splitting,Nadhim was part of the second Boriswave,Reform had turned into a laundry service for every Tory undesirable,Still some way to go there,The contest faded into silence.
It had been theatre; nothing more.Am-dram at best.Neither Kemi nor Keir had really given it their all.Which suited Starmer a lot better than it did Badenoch.On days like these, he was happy just to get out alive.
Onwards and sideways.The Bonfire of the Insanities by John Crace (Guardian Faber Publishing, £16.99).To support the Guardian, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com.
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