Just occasionally the House of Commons is more remarkable for who isn’t in the chamber than for who is.So it was striking that Nigel Farage was absent for Keir Starmer’s statement on the G20 summit and the Ukraine peace process.You might have thought the man who has spent the last six months telling anyone who will listen that he will be the next prime minister might take some interest in geopolitics and Britain’s global standing.Apparently not.Only Richard Tice from Reform stayed for the session.

Lee Anderson scarpered the moment it started.So brave.Maybe he had an urgent appointment with his lunch.There again, Nige has never really cared much for Ukraine.When Russia invaded Crimea in 2014, Farage was adamant that Ukraine was to blame.

The Ukrainians should never have dared express a desire for their own sovereignty by wanting to join Nato.So they deserved everything they got.And it was only last week that Nathan Gill – one of Nige’s old muckers from his European parliament days and at one stage the Reform party’s leader in Wales – was banged up for a 10-year stretch for taking bribes to make statements in favour of Russia.It’s almost as if Putin appeasement is party policy.Nor was Nige in any hurry to correct this appearance.

Here was his chance to speak out about his newfound love for Ukraine.To distance himself from the convict.Only he wasn’t anywhere to be seen.His only public comment has been that he is sure Gill was just a lone wrong ’un.And he knew this because he had done a forensic investigation.

He had asked a couple of Reform members if they had ever taken bribes from the Russians.And guess what? They had all said no.So that was an end to it.If only the police were that thorough.The clear-up rate would be doubled in days.

It has also turned out that Nige hasn’t had that much to say about the allegations of racism while he was at school that were published in the Guardian last week.Other than to first suggest the 20 witnesses must have suffered from simultaneous amnesia and that only his recollections were accurate.Then he shape-shifted a little.Now he came to think of it, he might have done a little bit of racism when he was at school, but if he did it would have been a very mild form of racism.Racist non-racism.

Racism without any intent to be racist.Just words coming out of his mouth over which he had no control.Inside Big Nige there had been a little Baby Nige who had taken over his voice and started saying things that were … were actually just normal.Mmm.So perhaps it wasn’t so surprising Nige was otherwise engaged for the statement on Ukraine.

He could sense this might be an hour where the Commons would unite in a Reform pile-on.Let Dicky Tice suck it up.That was the point of him.To do the jobs that are too hard for the party leader.Nige’s transformation from the self-appointed man of the people who wasn’t afraid of difficult truths to just another mediocre politician whose first instinct is to protect his own skin is almost complete.

So the Commons was left to discuss Ukraine without the benefit of Nige’s pro-Russian input,The BBC board member Robbie Gibb would have been appalled at such a lack of impartiality,But this was Keir at his most content,Some have christened him Never Here Keir because he spends so much time abroad,And who can blame him? He’s far more appreciated outside the UK than he is in it.

The EU and the “coalition of the willing” think he’s a top bloke.Someone who can be trusted to get the job done.A welcome change from some of the other halfwits who masquerade as world leaders.You could even make a case for Keir doing a job swap with Mark Carney.Keir would like it in Ottawa.

Life would be a little slower but there would be plenty of upsides.A chance to get away from the malcontents in his own party and elsewhere.No drip-drip feed of bad news.The Canadians would also come to appreciate the fact that he gets on better with Donald Trump than Carney.So he might magic away some tariffs.

And we Brits could get used to Mogadon Mark.While he was over here as governor of the Bank of England, his USP was to do as little as possible at all times.That would make a change.Keir’s statement itself was largely free from controversy.He had managed to steer The Donald away from trying to force Ukraine into a 28-point ceasefire plan that had been drafted by the Russians.

And he had allowed the Orange Man Child to think it was all his own work.Job done.So now it was just a matter of sitting back and hoping for the best.Ukraine was on board with the Geneva agreement and now it was just a matter of waiting to see if the Russians would play ball.It was a start.

Kemi Badenoch looked wrongfooted.She is always primed for starting a fight, and now she had to bite her lip.She supposed – through gritted teeth – that Keir had done a decent enough job under the circumstances.She could have done a lot better, obvs, but credit where credit was due.Instead she reserved all her anger for Reform.

They were nothing but Putin apologists.They should be ashamed.Where was Nige?This was something on which everyone could agree.MP after MP stood up to kick Reform as Keir also added his own condemnation.That just left Dicky Tice to stand up for his party’s record.

No one loved Ukraine more than him, sobbed Dicky.He had personally donated a five-figure sum to the country’s war effort and had driven a pickup truck full of aid to the country.He had Ukraine in his DNA.So much so that he had changed his name by deed poll.Meet Dickyy Ticeskyy.

Much to Dickyy’s obvious disappointment, no one was particularly impressed with his largesse.Instead Keir offered some home truths.You couldn’t be pro Ukraine and pro Russia.This was a war and Reform had to choose sides.And Reform had voted with its feet by choosing not to launch an official investigation into whether any other of its members had taken bribes.

Almost as if they were afraid of what they might find.The Bonfire of the Insanities by John Crace (Guardian Faber Publishing, £16.99).To support the Guardian, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com.

Delivery charges may apply.A year in Westminster: John Crace, Marina Hyde and Pippa Crerar On Tuesday 2 December, join Crace, Hyde and Crerar as they look back at another extraordinary year, with special guests, live at the Barbican in London and livestreamed globally.Book tickets here or at guardian.live