At the end of most taste tests, I have a clear idea of winners and losers, and I’m usually confident enough in the findings that I’d bet if I repeated it 100 times, with a different set of testers, the results would be similar.This is not a normal taste test.After blind tasting eight yeast spreads, readily available at Australian supermarkets, I don’t even know what my favourite is, let alone which are the best and worst.In Australia it is impossible to taste yeast spreads without comparing them with Vegemite, for better or worse.So this isn’t really a yeast spread taste test, it’s a taste test of Vegemite and things that taste like it.

And, while there are huge stylistic differences in the products, there is little differentiating their quality or usefulness,Every product will be someone’s favourite,If you and your friends try this taste test, I have no doubt you will get radically different results,I’m saying this all for two reasons: first, to tell you not to pay too much attention to the scores,Think of this less as a ranking and more as a flavour guide.

You’ll notice our usual taste test categories of “best” and “best value” are missing.And, second, to protect me from the inevitable patriotic backlash that comes from not giving Vegemite first place.Promite, 290g, $4.75 ($1.64 per 100g), available at major supermarkets8/10I tried every yeast spread on bread and on its own, tentatively licking it off the end of a butter knife like a child trying a new vegetable for the first time.

This was the only spread I wanted to keep eating off the knife.It’s silky, easy to spread and tastes like a beef stock cube sweetened with kecap manis and turned into goo.It doesn’t taste as salty as some of the other contenders (that’s the sugar balancing things out, this has more sodium per gram than any other yeast spread).Several reviewers described it as polite, which I agree with, but that’s like praising a metal band for playing quietly.Having been born into a family of thick Vegemite spreaders, I want to be assaulted with flavour.

This is more of a massage – but likely the best way to massage anyone new to yeast spreads into liking them.Vegemite, 280g, $6.50 ($2.32 per 100g), available at major supermarkets7.5/10To the person reading this who’s never tried Vegemite, it’s simply one of the most intense readily available foods you can put in your mouth – it’s extremely salty, savoury and, I didn’t realise this until the taste test, very acidic.

It’s a food for maximalists – those of us who play underwater rugby, watch extended director’s cuts and listen to podcasts at double speed.It’s understandable that many people don’t like it but we should be proud we’ve made something this potent that has so many fans.I want you to stop telling everyone not to spread it too thick.Let the people experience something.Vegemite 40% Less Salt, 235g, $5.

70 ($2.43 per 100g), available at major supermarkets7.5/10Though easily one of the best dietary alternatives I’ve tried in any taste test, it’s still not quite as good as the original.Taste test scores are rounded to the nearest 0.5, and the OG Vegemite scored 7.

6 while this scored 7.4.The salt substitute is potassium chloride, which gives a bitter flavour, making the spread taste like the sticky brown-black sheen on the bottom of a pan after you’ve fried something, only this one has too much char on it.But it doesn’t taste less salty.To my amusement, many reviewers thought it was the saltiest spread of the lot.

“Feels like 99% salt, not much left for anything else,” one wrote.“It’s so hectic,” I wrote on my scorecard.Vegemite Gluten Free, 235g, $5.70 ($2.43 per 100g), available at major supermarkets6.

5/10Most of the reviewers guessed this was either a cheap Vegemite rip-off or some kind of health alternative.“Similar to Vegemite but slightly different in a way I can’t put my finger on, is it the Aldi version?” and “Vegemite but a little subdued,” they said.The main difference is an odd bitter, slightly medicinal flavour, as if Vegemite has partnered with Jaegermeister for a collaboration only Satan would ask for.If you’ve become gluten intolerant, you will notice the difference but it’s unlikely you’ll care a few months down the track.Marmite, 250g, $5.

20 ($2.08 per 100g), available at major supermarkets6.5/10You know that sharp acidic hit you get from aged cheddars? This is similar, with a little more sweetness and bitterness.But, unlike the cheese, the flavour is short-lived.Less intense than some products, it’s a bit shy when it’s spread with butter.

You’ll find it much more expressive when it has the bread to itself.Although generally liked, the mildness was not popular among the reviewers.“Like Vegemite that’s been mixed with water and left on a shelf for two decades,” one wrote.EveryMite, 240g, $16.95 ($7.

06 per 100g), available at select grocers6/10I’ve tried many unusual things: spirits made by fermenting crocodile genitals, Lao Gan Ma-flavoured ice cream and human milk,But few have perplexed me as much as this,It’s essentially a spiced black sesame tahini but it tastes like every food on earth mixed together and reduced into a black, grainy, tar-like paste,It’s simultaneously sour, salty and savoury, all in the most intense way,If you’re looking, you’ll taste the garlic, onion and chilli (just), which add to the general complexity.

It was, predictably, extremely divisive.Look at the sheer variety of comments it received: “Woah.Like someone was asked to make Vegemite but didn’t have any of the ingredients”; “a spread in four acts, the start and finish are completely different”; “would make the poshest mite on toast on earth”; “this is the overpriced health food version of Vegemite”; “so yum, I want to mix this into noodles with scallion oil and mince”; and: “A magic spread full of secrets.Quick, buy stocks.” That last reviewer may reconsider when she sees the price.

Mightymite, 290g, $3.80 ($1.31 per 100g), available at select grocers and Woolworths6/10After tasting six dark, dense globs, this looked unusual, even a little disconcerting.It’s light brown and so jiggly and soft it’s like spreading chocolate mousse on toast.The reviewers described it as tasting vegetal, like beans, raw peanuts and vegetable stews.

One said it reminded them of beans that have cooked down at the bottom of a stew that’s been burning too high.It’s the cheapest option on the market but the low price might be because it’s watered down – it’s the only product to list water as its main ingredient.Aside from bean lovers, I’m not sure who this is for.Vegemite & Cheese, 275g, $5.70 ($2.

07 per 100g), available at major supermarkets.3.5/10If you blended Vegemite with Kraft Singles, this is what you’d get – a soft, lightly brown spread that only evokes cheese to those who have never tried cheese.If you like Vegemite and Kraft Singles on your toast, buy this instead, it tastes the same and it’s cheaper.If, like me, you never eat Kraft or any other processed cheese, you can add this to your list of enemies.