Jimmy Kimmel on US ceasefire negotiators: ‘We’d be better off with Alvin and the Chipmunks’

A picture


On Wednesday night, late-night hosts reacted to Donald Trump’s threat to wipe out Iran, the trio who are leading ceasefire negotiations in the region and JD Vance’s trip to Budapest in support of Viktor Orbán,Jimmy Kimmel focused on the ceasefire that resulted from Trump’s warning that “an entire civilization will die” if Iran did not meet US demands to open the strait of Hormuz,“Once again, he made a big threat and backed off like your dad threatening to pull the car over and turn it around,” Kimmel said,“What a time to be alive,A man who has the nuclear codes written on his stomach in ketchup has the power to wipe a whole country off the map.

”Last night, the chief energy adviser of the American company Gulf Oil told CNN that only “a trickle” of oil was passing through the strait of Hormuz,“You know what?” said the host,“At Trump’s age, a trickle is pretty good,”Kimmel continued by questioning the president’s strategy in the Middle East: “He seems to think that he can threaten to kill an entire civilization, then they’re going to be totally cool with it the next day,“Let me put this in terms you might be able to understand, Mr President.

Remember how you cheated on Melania with a porn star right after she gave birth to Barron, and now you guys sleep in separate bedrooms and she looks at you like Vin Diesel looks at The Rock? This is that type of situation; it’s not going away.”On Wednesday, Trump named Vance as lead negotiator in ceasefire talks along with special envoy Steve Witkoff and “special son-in-law” Jared Kushner.“What a trio,” joked Kimmel.“We’d be better off with Alvin, Simon and Theodore.“How is this negotiation even going to work?” asked the host.

“This is a government of religious fanatics who don’t believe in democracy, and they use domestic security forces to terrorize their own citizens: and now we expect Iran to negotiate with them?”He concluded: “Really, the only way this conflict ends is if Iran gives Trump some kind of award, like the Hormuz peace prize,You could put it next to the one he got from Hormel Chili,”On The Late Show, Stephen Colbert also addressed Trump’s threats to Iran,The president announced a deal on Tuesday evening, calling it a “double-sided ceasefire”,“Aren’t all peace deals double-sided?” asked Colbert.

“I believe there’s a word for a single-sided ceasefire and it’s ‘murder’.”The host also reacted to Trump’s comments that the war had “met and exceeded” US objectives.“It’s true,” he said.“It’s been a week since anyone mentioned the Epstein files.”This week the New York Times reported that Trump’s war in Iran was influenced by a February situation room meeting with Benjamin Netanyahu, during which the Israeli prime minister gave a presentation making a case for war.

“It’s being called the most manipulative PowerPoint since your middle schooler put together ‘Tyler’s Reasons the Family Should Get a Dog’,” joked Colbert.“Number one: your fighting makes me sad.”Netanyahu’s presentation reportedly ended by outlining a vision for regime change in Iran.“It feels like there’s a pretty big leap there at the end,” commented the host.“It sounds like a recipe that says, ‘Preheat oven to 350, chop vegetables … regime change.

”While the chair of the joint chiefs of staff, Dan Caine, warned that Iran could block the strait of Hormuz, Trump dismissed his advice and claimed that it would be a very quick war.“No, there’s no such thing,” commented Colbert.“War is one of those things that always takes longer than you expect, like setting up the wifi, or any board game where the person inviting you to play says, ‘Don’t worry, the rules will make sense once we start.’”Colbert then commented on JD Vance’s reported call to Trump during which he advised the president that war was a bad idea, “but if you want to do it, I’ll support you”.“Grow a spine, JD,” said Colbert.

“This is about starting a war in the Middle East, not a discussion on getting bangs.”The host closed his monologue by addressing Vance’s appearance as the star attraction at a rally for Viktor Orbán in Budapest.“That is a [bleep] headliner,” Colbert said.“Reminds me of when Coachella replaced Lady Gaga with one of the port-a-potties.”
A picture

Cream sherry: a forgotten taste that’s worth rediscovering

By the time I knew her, my granny was in her whisky and water era, but my dad clearly remembers a bottle of Harveys Bristol Cream in the drinks cupboard, ready to pour for friends after church in the 1970s. This is the enduring image of cream sherry, one that it has struggled to shake off. While other sherries – bone-dry fino and manzanilla (made by ageing palomino grapes under a yeast layer called flor), oxidative amontillado or oloroso, and sweet, single varietals such as pedro ximénez (PX) – have acquired new cachet among younger drinkers, not least because they’re relatively affordable, cream is the emblematic Little English tipple of a bygone time.The Guardian’s journalism is independent. We will earn a commission if you buy something through an affiliate link

A picture

From soups and greens to roots, how to survive the ‘hungry gap’

Spring may have firmly sprung – I write this with a view of vivid yellow forsythia blossom in next door’s garden, and the melodious warble of full-throated birdsong – but though the greenery may be flourishing in our gardens, it’s a different story at the farmers’ market. Despite a few spindly spears of asparagus and miniature jersey royals making an appearance on our Easter tables last weekend, the new season of British produce doesn’t kick off in earnest for another few weeks yet. That means we’re now heading into the so-called “hungry gap”, an annual quirk of our relatively northern latitude, when temperatures are too high for much winter veg such as kale and brassicas, but too low for the more delicate likes of peas and broad beans to ripen – let alone high-summer treats such as berries, squash and stone fruit.Happily, many hardy winter crops store well, and are versatile enough to shake off their heavy winter coat of cream and butter in favour of a lighter treatment. The late Skye Gyngell gifted us a carrot, celery, farro and borlotti bean soup, Nigel Slater has an early spring laksa with purple sprouting broccoli (and some spinach, which I suspect you could use frozen), and Nicholas Balfe offers a ceviche with celeriac and a baked beetroot dish (pictured top) – both of which look just the thing to wake up your taste buds

A picture

Rachel Roddy’s recipe for hazelnut and chocolate cake | A kitchen in Rome

Having been kept waiting for three hours, Dick Dewy leaves Miss Fancy Day snipping and sewing her blue dress. The plan is that he will return for her a quarter of an hour later, however, Dick convinces himself that he has been scandalously trifled with by Fancy and decides that, to punish her, he will not return. Instead, he leaps over the gate, pushes up the lane for two miles, takes a winding path called Snail-Creep, and crawls through the opening to the hazel grove in Grey’s Wood.Getting a class of 15-year-olds to relay/read the opening of chapter four of Under the Greenwood Tree, which is memorably entitled “Going Nutting”, is an extremely effective way to engage them with the majesty of Thomas Hardy. And the title is nothing compared to the line (as Dick vanished among the bushes): “Never man nutted as Dick nutted that afternoon

A picture

How to make cauliflower cheese using the whole plant – recipe | Waste not

This recipe, adapted from one in my cookbook, is a very elaborate way to serve humble cauliflower cheese. The whole plant, including the leaves and core, is seasoned with nutmeg and roasted, and it’s then dressed with a satisfying layer of rich cheese sauce and grilled until charred and bubbling. Choose a cauliflower with plenty of leaves, because they go deliciously crisp when roasted.This is perhaps the most decadent cauliflower cheese I’ve ever made. Inspired by an orange-coloured cauliflower I found sitting proudly in a box at my local Brockley Market in south London, I decided to make a vibrant and very orange cauliflower cheese using red leicester cheese and turmeric

A picture

A marmalade-dropper for Paddington Bear? | Letters

As a Portuguese-British citizen, I feel it is my duty to add to your explainer article (Keir Starmalade, anyone? Will marmalade really have to be rebranded in UK?, 4 April) and explain where the word marmalade originated from. Marmalade comes from the fruit marmelo (quince). And marmalade was and is quince jam in Portugal. This jam began to be exported to England at the end of the 15th century. Only in the 17th century did the English start to apply the word marmalade to orange jam

A picture

‘Before I can stop her, my daughter is licking crumbs from the table’: my search for the perfect kids’ menu

Chips, fish fingers, pizza … restaurant food for children is depressingly predictable. Are there more adventurous options? I took my four-year-old daughter on a month-long mission to find outWe’re heading out for dinner. Before I tell my four-year-old where we’re going, she has already announced that she’s going to have fish, chips and lots of ketchup. It sounds delicious; a classic. But there’s the irksome feeling that the intrepid impulses of childhood should be met with food that expands palates rather than feeding into the well-trodden path to a beige meal