Porky Pig and Daffy Duck: ‘Jacob Elordi! That hair! Those dreamboat eyes!’

Ducks typically live between five and 10 years, and pigs 10 to 20. You first appeared on screen in 1935 and 1937, which makes you 91 and 89, respectively. What’s your secret to your eternally youthful looks?Daffy Duck: Firtht of all, it’s very rude to comment on a duck’s age. Thecond of all, thank you for noticing how youthful I look. My thecret is very thimple – moisturise daily, stay hydrated and tell the artist who draws you to take out any wrinkles

The Guide #229: How an indie movie distributed by a lone gamer broke the US box office

Two very unusual films were released last weekend. One you will have absolutely heard of: Melania, the soft-focus hagiocumentary of the US first lady, which was plonked into thousands and thousands of often entirely empty cinemas across the globe by Amazon and Jeff Bezos in what is widely perceived as a favour-currier to the White House. Melania’s $7m takings in the US were marginally better than forecasted (and far ahead of the risible numbers for the film elsewhere) but, given the documentary’s vast cost, still represents a dramatic loss (especially if the rumour that Amazon paid for the film to be in some cinemas is true). Then again, this was a rare multimillion dollar film where the primary marker of success was probably not financial.The other unusual film released last weekend you are less likely to have heard of, even though it dwarfed Melania’s takings

My cultural awakening: Bach helped me survive sexual abuse as a child

For pianist James Rhodes, the composer’s music expressed feelings that he could not put into words – and kept helping him as his mental health suffered in adulthoodWhen I found a cassette tape of the Bach-Busoni Chaconne, aged seven, it’s how I imagine a kid would feel seeing Messi play football and thinking: I have to do that with my life. By then, I had already been sexually abused by a teacher for two years, and despite showing all the signs of trauma – night terrors, twitching, wetting the bed, constant stomach aches – I obediently kept his secret. To me, the world was a war zone of pain. I was a shy, awkward, lonely kid, but alone in my bedroom with that piece of music, I found a little bit of light that was just for me. Hearing it for the first time was almost a religious experience

From Lord of the Flies to Deftones: your complete entertainment guide to the week ahead

Adolescence writer Jack Thorne takes on the classic tale of deserted schoolboys, while the US band warm up for a pummelling summer of alt metal100 Nights of HeroOut nowMaika Monroe plays a woman shut up in a castle with her husband’s handsome and seductive best friend (Nicholas Galitzine) who has made a wager that he can tempt her to stray from her marriage. Sharp-witted maid Hero (Emma Corrin) clocks what’s going on and does her best to foil the dirtbag’s schemes, in this fairytale fantasy from Julia Jackman. Charli xcx also stars.My Father’s ShadowOut nowṢọpẹ́ Dìrísù (Slow Horses) stars in a semi-autobiographical debut from Akinola Davies Jr in which an estranged father travels through the city of Lagos in Nigeria with his two young sons during a day of violent unrest following the 1993 election crisis.HamletOut nowSomething is rotten in the state of England: Riz Ahmed plays Shakespeare’s famous Dane as a scion of a wealthy British South Asian family in Aneil Karia’s modern take on probably the most famous play of all time

Austin Butler to play Lance Armstrong in big-screen biopic

The Oscar-nominated actor Austin Butler is scheduled to take on the role of the disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong in a buzzy new biopic.According to Deadline, the package has caused a “frenzied” bidding war in Hollywood with the Conclave director Edward Berger at the helm and King Richard’s Zach Baylin set to write the script.Producer Scott Stuber, who recently worked on Springsteen: Deliver Me from Nowhere, has been working to secure Armstrong’s life rights for a while and a deal has now finally been agreed. Armstrong will be involved in the film but will not have a producing credit.The hope is for the film to be a cross between F1 and The Wolf of Wall Street

Stephen Colbert: ‘Trump would eat a bicycle tire if you put it on a bun’

On Thursday night, Stephen Colbert responded to White House adviser Paula White-Cain’s claims that Donald Trump is “the GOAT”, while Jimmy Kimmel and Seth Meyers addressed ICE and Jeffrey Epstein.Over on the Late Show, Colbert turned his attention to Trump’s appearance at the national prayer breakfast and his speech at the Washington Hilton hotel. Or as Colbert called the president’s 77-minute address, “special material just for the prayer munchers”.Ahead of his remarks, Trump was introduced by White-Cain, the White House senior adviser who Colbert called a “haunted Bloomingdale’s mannequin”. White-Cain introduced the president as “the GOAT: the greatest of all time”