My cultural awakening: Bach helped me survive sexual abuse as a child
For pianist James Rhodes, the composer’s music expressed feelings that he could not put into words – and kept helping him as his mental health suffered in adulthoodWhen I found a cassette tape of the Bach-Busoni Chaconne, aged seven, it’s how I imagine a kid would feel seeing Messi play football and thinking: I have to do that with my life,By then, I had already been sexually abused by a teacher for two years, and despite showing all the signs of trauma – night terrors, twitching, wetting the bed, constant stomach aches – I obediently kept his secret,To me, the world was a war zone of pain,I was a shy, awkward, lonely kid, but alone in my bedroom with that piece of music, I found a little bit of light that was just for me,Hearing it for the first time was almost a religious experience.
People think classical music is dry, but Bach was anything but.Half of his 20 children died in infancy: there was no way to get rid of that grief other than through his music.Bach composed the Chaconne when his wife died suddenly, and he didn’t get to say goodbye or even go to the funeral.Even if you don’t know any of that, listening to it, on some level you will know.When you think it’s the end, it just carries on, like having one more thing to say to a person after they die.
There’s so much truth and so much emotion hidden inside those 16 minutes of music.At seven, music offered me a way to deal with what I was feeling but didn’t yet have the words for.I became obsessed.Every night, I would sit in my room listening to recordings of Bach, then Horowitz and Ashkenazy, pretending to play along.It was pure escape, pure fantasy.
I could hide inside the music, and it made everything bearable.The Chaconne specifically was like an ancient key that slid into my heart.I had my first piano teacher at 14 and was offered a scholarship to the Guildhall at 18, but my parents wouldn’t let me go, preferring me to attend a “proper university” instead.So I stopped playing for 10 years, and worked in the City in a job I hated.I returned to piano in my late 20s with the same devotion I’d had as a child.
Learning as an adult was more difficult, but I was more determined,Feeling as if you owe your life to something that you’ve lived and breathed and inhaled since you were seven carries you further than talent and ambition ever could,At 31, in a psychiatric ward, I heard another piece of music that changed my life,I had been trying to kill myself,I didn’t want to die, I just couldn’t go on living.
A friend smuggled in an iPod nano with Glenn Gould playing the Bach-Marcello Concerto in D minor on it.I’d never heard anything so beautiful in my entire life.I was heavily medicated, but it was as if I was seven years old again, hearing classical music for the first time.That recording told me the same deep truth that the Chaconne had as a child, but now, as an adult, I was able to put it into words: if something this pure exists, then I don’t have to die.It gave me the impetus to get out, to keep living.
I must have heard and performed that piece thousands of times, and every time it blows my mind.My first album came out a few years later, and I’ve just released my eighth.I’m playing on the same stages my heroes have played on – at the same venues, sometimes even in the same month and on the same Steinway.But sexual abuse as a child is not something you can ever recover from or put behind you.It’s always there.
My abuser was eventually arrested and charged with multiple counts of rape,He died before he faced trial,Everyone has their own version of trauma, but somehow we find a way to survive it,Music gave me the tools to feel less alone, to navigate a childhood filled with shame and secrets and power dynamics,In the Chaconne, I heard suffering transformed into something alive and beautiful.
In Marcello, I heard hope at the exact moment I needed it.Both pieces taught me that there’s plenty of good in the world if we know where to look for it.Finding that tape was a sliding-doors moment.It’s impossible to say how my life would have been different if I’d never heard the Chaconne, but it probably saved my life, and it has given me a career that I love.As a child, I thought: if something this incredible can exist, then it can’t all be bad.
I believed that at seven, and I still believe it now,The NSPCC offers support to children on 0800 1111, and adults concerned about a child on 0808 800 5000,The National Association for People Abused in Childhood (Napac) offers support for adult survivors on 0808 801 0331,In Australia, children, young adults, parents and teachers can contact the Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800, or Bravehearts on 1800 272 831, and adult survivors can contact Blue Knot Foundation on 1300 657 380,Other sources of help can be found at Child Helplines International.
In the US, call or text the Childhelp abuse hotline on 800-422-4453 or visit their website for more resources and to report child abuse or DM for help.For adult survivors of child abuse, help is available at ascasupport.orgYou can tell us how a cultural moment has prompted you to make a major life change by filling in the form below or emailing us on cultural.awakening@theguardian.com.
Please include as much detail as possiblePlease note, the maximum file size is 5,7 MB,Your contact details are helpful so we can contact you for more information,They will only be seen by the Guardian,Your contact details are helpful so we can contact you for more information.
They will only be seen by the Guardian.If you include other people's names please ask them first.
For some, McSweeney resignation removes obstacle to eventual downfall of Starmer
For some Labour MPs, the sight of Keir Starmer accepting the resignation of his long-term consigliere, Morgan McSweeney, encapsulated everything they think is going wrong with the prime minister’s leadership.After days of mounting criticism over McSweeney’s role in advocating for the appointment of Peter Mandelson as Washington ambassador, the prime minister’s chief of staff left Downing Street on Sunday.But while his departure was welcomed by some of the prime minister’s critics, others felt it displayed the kind of political passivity which they say has characterised Starmer’s time in office.“The idea of Morgan being allowed to resign makes the PM look even weaker,” one MP said. “He should have sacked him – now he risks going down with Morgan
Keir Starmer’s next steps: what hurdles must the prime minister now negotiate?
Keir Starmer and his supporters will be hoping the resignation of Morgan McSweeney can buy him some time. But in the coming days and weeks the prime minister has to negotiate a series of ominous hurdles, any of which could end his time in office.The release of documents on Peter Mandelson’s appointment as US ambassador are expected to include embarrassing personal messages between ministers, advisers and the disgraced peer. This is especially so now the decision is out of the control of No 10.In a vain attempt to take the sting out of the fury about Mandelson’s relationship with the late sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, last Wednesday Starmer agreed to release these documents
Who are No 10’s new power brokers after Morgan McSweeney’s resignation?
Morgan McSweeney’s departure from Downing Street is the biggest shift in power at the heart of Keir Starmer’s operation since he came to office. As the prime minister appoints two acting replacements for his closest aide, here are the people vying for the prime minister’s ear in the new No 10 operation.Acting chief of staffAlakeson won plaudits before the election for leading Starmer’s outreach to the business community. Like many of those at the top of the Labour party, she has a background at the Resolution Foundation thinktank, where she was deputy chief executive. Before that she worked in the Treasury as a policy adviser
Morgan McSweeney: brains behind Labour’s comeback undone by poor judgment
In the early hours of 5 July 2024, Keir Starmer arrived at Tate Modern in central London to celebrate Labour’s landslide election victory. As he prepared to address the throng of cheering activists, he was flanked by two people: his wife, Victoria, and his closest aide, Morgan McSweeney.A reluctant McSweeney, it was reported, was dragged on stage by the soon-to-be prime minister to a roar from the party’s foot soldiers. A few years previously, this moment had seemed impossible. Many believe that, without McSweeney, it would have been
Decent or disastrous? Starmer’s judgment and leadership divide opinion | Letters
Polly Toynbee (It’s tragic that a decent PM will be brought down by Mandelson’s sleaze – but it’s a matter of when, not if, 6 February) says she cannot “understand the reason for this level of public dislike for a good and serious man”. Keir Starmer’s failure of judgment over Peter Mandelson’s appointment as ambassador to the US is just the last straw.Starmer’s accumulating failures have resulted from his complete lack of vision; there has been no inspiring “this is the kind of society we are going to create”. He has been leading the nation into a strategic vacuum. When the horses do not know which way to face, they all pull in different directions
Morgan McSweeney resigns as Keir Starmer’s chief of staff
Morgan McSweeney, Keir Starmer’s chief of staff, has quit his role as the prime minister’s closest aide amid anger over the appointment of Peter Mandelson as US ambassador.The senior No 10 adviser’s position had grown increasingly untenable as pressure on the prime minister mounted over the scandal, which followed the release of emails underlining the extent of Mandelson’s ongoing relationship with the convicted child sex offender Jeffrey Epstein.McSweeney resigned on Sunday, saying he took “full responsibility” for advising Starmer to appoint Mandelson, who had been a close ally and political mentor. He said the decision had undermined trust in Labour, the country and politics itself and it was the “honourable course” for him to go.The departure of Labour’s most consequential political figure in recent years will come as a major blow to Starmer, who had come to rely on McSweeney’s political judgment, often over his own, even though No 10 came under fire regularly as a result
Ilia Malinin holds off resurgent Japan to seal repeat US team figure skating gold
Breezy Johnson embraces the beauty and madness of downhill to win Olympic gold
Team GB dreams of Magic Monday and a hat-trick of Olympic medals
Olympic figure skating music dispute between Armenia and Azerbaijan resolved after ISU review
Winter Olympics 2026: Vonn ‘stable’ after crash; luge, speed skating and more – as it happened
Trump calls Hunter Hess ‘a real loser’ for skier’s ambivalence about representing US