Questions asked and answers given – up to a point. Welcome to lo-fi PMQs | John Crace

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Credit where credit is due.The last few prime minister’s questions have been an exercise in nihilism.The embodiment of existential futility.Questions asked by Kemi Badenoch but not even a pretence by Keir Starmer of answering them.It was like the worst days of Boris Johnson’s time in No 10.

We’d have learned more if both leaders had chosen to read out some names from an old 1980s phonebook.But to everyone’s surprise – not least Starmer’s – this week Keir did make a reasonable fist of listening to Kemi’s questions and giving a reply that was more or less coherent.Well, up to a point.Obviously he didn’t answer the one question that really counted.The one about when the defence investment plan would be published.

But you can’t have everything.And, to be fair, it is a tricky one.Both sides of the house know that the UK needs to spend more on defence.Especially now the US seems to have become the enemy.But no one can agree on how to pay for it.

So perhaps then it was no surprise that Starmer and the speaker appeared to have a standup row when the chamber was emptying after PMQs,Halfway through one of Keir’s replies to Kemi, Lindsay Hoyle had interrupted the prime minister to observe that it was his duty to answer questions, not to spend several minutes pointing out the limitations of the Tory party,For Starmer this had been too much,He really had been trying,This was him on best behaviour.

And it had been a huge improvement on the last few weeks,Yet still the speaker had chosen to humiliate him,This felt personal,This one will run and run,It feels like we are in the middle of a phoney war.

We all know Labour and the Tories will be annihilated in the local elections in three weeks’ time,Both parties consistently poll in the high teens,And yet, weirdly, Keir and Kemi look more secure in their jobs than at any point in the last year,Keir because of his handling of the Iran war, Kemi because there is no one obvious to take her place,And yet hubris lurks in every corner for them.

The feeling that they are only one move from disaster at any time,They are safe until the moment they aren’t,They are living a day at a time,Trying to block out the future,There again, maybe this was a PMQs that basically played out as both had always imagined it would.

There were no bear traps.No moments of high danger.Rather, it was all somewhat lo-fi.The questions that had to be asked were asked.The answers equally well-rehearsed.

Just everyone going through the motions.Kemi couldn’t even be roused to anger or indignation by anything Keir said.This was the new, gentler Kemi.Either the mediation or the medication is working.Sign me up.

As expected, Kemi devoted all her questions to George Robertson – Labour’s former defence secretary and ex-secretary general of Nato – who had spoken out about the present government’s “corrosive complacency” in regard to the UK’s armed forces.Having a Labour grandee to bash the Labour party with was too good a gift to pass up.Kemi even boasted that she had bothered to turn up to a briefing his lordship had given.That would be about the first briefing she has ever attended.Her track record of laziness precedes her.

Keir barely broke sweat.No need to avoid this question.One of his staff had already written out the answer.He greatly admired Robertson but respectfully disagreed with him.His job was to keep the UK safe and that was what he had been doing.

He had already increased defence spending and would do so again.It was a matter of record that Britain had the fifth largest defence budget in the world.Just a shame we had allowed Gordon Brown to spend so much of it on aircraft carriers to promote jobs in Scotland and that these ships were vulnerable to modern missiles.Who would have guessed?We then more or less covered the same territory for the next five questions.Only, increasingly, Kemi seemed underpowered.

As if she realised that without Robertson as her human shield she had no protection.Starmer wasted no time in going for the jugular.It was all very well the Tories complaining about defence spending when it had been their government that had hollowed out the armed forces.Labour was merely trying to clear up the mess.And the idea there was a simple trade-off between defence and welfare was absurd.

This wasn’t a zero sum game.Besides, it had been the Tories who had trebled welfare spending.“Don’t worry about what we did,” said Kemi.A sure sign she was losing the argument.She then had to sit down as Starmer threw her early support for the Iran war back at her.

Kemi can’t shake this one off,She has tried the memory wipe and the rewriting of history but the country isn’t fooled,We can all remember what she said,Her attempts to claim she was only suggesting the UK should be vocal in support of the US are laughable,How does she imagine this would work? Fighter pilots cheering the American bombs?Things turned a touch surreal near the end.

Having tried to portray herself as a serious politician capable of grappling with serious problems, Kemi then made a gag about the campaign of the Very Blue Labour MP Samantha Niblett to bring dildos into parliament so that everyone could enjoy a summer of love,This may have been funny in Kemi’s office,In the Commons it just sounded weird,Or maybe it was just a plea to “Make Love, Not War”,The Lib Dem leader, Ed Davey, turned his attention to Donald Trump.

The US president-turned-self-appointed Risen Christ,Should we let him embarrass the king? Starmer has no qualms about criticising The Donald these days,The relationship can’t get any worse,The king could look after himself,Long after Trump was history, the US and the UK would still have a special relationship.

Though our best interests lay in closer ties with the EU,Strangely that produced only silence from the Tory benches,Normally they would be outraged at any hint of a Brexit climbdown,Maybe they were just depressed about their futures,Or maybe the penny is beginning to drop.

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José Pizarro’s recipe for nettle (or wild garlic) and goat’s cheese tortilla

When I was growing up in the small village of Talaván in Extremadura, Spain, we never ate nettles. They were wild plants that grew along the edges of the fields, and the sort you tried to avoid: like many children, I learned about them the hard way, brushing against them while playing and getting stung. It was only when I came to the UK that I first saw nettles used in cooking, which surprised me: suddenly, this wild plant had a place in the kitchen. Now, whenever I visit my mum, Isabel, I see them everywhere. It makes me smile to think that at this year’s Chelsea flower show I will be cooking among a world of magnificent plants and gardens

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Gone from shop shelves, but not forgotten | Letters

How lucky for Adrian Chiles that he didn’t live in the German Democratic Republic (Rose’s Lime Marmalade? Gone. Dark chocolate Bounty? No more. But what about their heartbroken fans?, 8 April). After reunification, there were street markets selling the last of products from the old days, and there was an exhibition in a national museum – memorably called “They’ve even taken our tomato ketchup” – lamenting the loss of many food products and other features of former times, such as children’s TV programmes.Derek JanesDuns, Scottish Borders Can Adrian Chiles tell me where to find Halls’ chocolate sour lemons? Maybe they stopped being made because they turned your tongue black, but they tasted great

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Cornichon shortage leaves British sandwich shops in a pickle

With their sharp flavour and crunch, pickled cucumbers are an essential component of any sandwich worth its salt.But an unexpected shortage of cornichons has caused consternation in sandwich shops across the country as cafes scramble to get their hands on jars of the small green pickles.A favourite sandwich of hungry office workers is the simple jambon beurre. A staple across the Channel, the French sandwich contains ham, a generous amount of butter, and, crucially, a sharp, crunchy cornichon to cut through the fat.Sandwich chain Pret a Manger brought it to popularity in the UK, and a jambon beurre retails for about £4 in its shops

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Rukmini Iyer’s quick and easy recipe for chilli eggs with miso beans and spinach | Quick and easy

My go-to cheat ingredient for a dash of heat is White Mausu’s peanut rāyu – it has a gentler flavour profile than, say, Lao Gan Ma crispy chilli in oil, and works perfectly in this dish of creamy, lemon-spiked beans and eggs. I recommend using jarred white beans for the speediest cook time. For an easy, get-ahead breakfast, make and chill the spinach and beans the night before, then reheat the next morning and crack in the eggs when the beans are piping hot.Prep 10 min Cook 20 min Serves 2-32 tbsp neutral oil 2 onions, peeled and roughly sliced2 garlic cloves, peeled and finely grated200g baby spinach, roughly chopped570g jar white haricot or butter beans, drained and rinsed (400g net)2 heaped tsp red miso paste (white will work, too) 150ml single cream Juice of ½ lemonSalt (optional)2 eggs 2-3 tbsp White Mausu peanut rāyu, to tastePut the oil in a large, heavy-based saucepan on a medium heat, then add the onions and stir-fry for five minutes, until just colouring around the edges. Stir in the garlic, turn down the heat to low, then partly cover the pan and cook for five minutes, to soften

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The US small town coffee shop that created a viral drink: ‘I still don’t understand how it went so far’

A viral coffee drink created by a little college town coffee shop on the outskirts of Minneapolis is now making its way around the world after its inventors decided to give the recipe away for free.After Little Joy Coffee’s raspberry danish latte, a spring seasonal drink, went viral in March, the shop’s owners decided to encourage coffee shops to rip off the recipe directly and add it to their menus.Posting both a home recipe and step-by-step instructions for coffee shops, they asked shops if they wanted to be added to a map of places that will serve the raspberry danish latte. Hundreds of shops quickly signed up. A map of the shops shows a presence on every continent except Antarctica, with pins in dozens of countries

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How to make Southern fried chicken – recipe | Felicity Cloake's Masterclass

Let’s be honest, fried chicken is one of those things that’s almost always good, but making it yourself has the benefit of allowing you to be sure of the provenance of the meat. Where fast-food restaurants tend to rely on pressure fryers for a juicy result, at home I brine the meat first using buttermilk – its slight acidity will also have a tenderising effect. Double win.Prep 5 min Marinate 4 hr+Cook 40 min Serves 2-3300ml buttermilk (see step 1)2¼ tsp salt 6 pieces of chicken of your choice – I like a mixture of drumsticks and thighs110g plain flour 40g cornflour, or rice or potato flour (see step 4)½ tsp freshly ground black pepper ½ tsp smoked paprika ¼ tsp MSG (optional)Neutral oil (vegetable, sunflower, groundnut or lard), for fryingButtermilk is the ideal consistency for this, but if you can’t get hold of any, instead whisk a little water into natural yoghurt to make it pourable. Put 275ml in a container large enough to hold all the meat, then stir in two teaspoons of salt – this improves the chicken’s ability to hold on to moisture, giving a juicier texture