Stephen Colbert on Republican double-speak for war in Iran: ‘A war that got a thesaurus for Christmas’
Late-night hosts unpacked the Orwellian double-speak of congressional Republicans trying to justify the Trump administration’s military strikes in Iran.“Folks, I really didn’t want to start the monologue by talking about the war, but in honor of this administration, I went into this without a plan,” said Stephen Colbert on Wednesday, five days after the US military, in conjunction with Israel, bombed Iran and killed its supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei.“I say ‘war’,” he continued, “because it sure looks like a war, and Trump keeps calling it a war, but Congress never declared it a war, and Maga was promised no new wars, so the White House sent out a list of talking points to all the congressional Republicans telling them in no uncertain terms that if a reporter asked ‘Can you promise the American people this will not be a long-drawn out war?’, the answer to give is ‘These are targeted, major combat operations.’”“So … it’s worse than a war,” said Colbert.“It’s a war that got a thesaurus for Christmas.
”“So it’s not a war, don’t call it a war? Got it! I’m sorry, Mr President, you were saying?”Colbert then played a clip of Trump telling reporters “we’re doing very well on the warfront” on Wednesday afternoon.“Oh no!” Colbert mocked.“You know you’re not supposed to say it, but that just puts the word in your brain.“No surprise, everyone thinks that this stupid terminology is stupid,” he added.“So on Wednesday, Republicans such as Speaker Mike Johnson tried a new tactic which Colbert called: “It is a war, but it’s not our war.
”According to Johnson, Iran “declared war on us,We’re not at war right now,”“I totally buy it – ‘Babe, she declared sex on me? I simply reciprocated with a targeted, heat-seeking moisture missile,’” Colbert joked,“Republicans in Congress who said Trump would end foreign wars have a new strategy for defending the Iran war: claiming it’s not actually a war, even though Trump himself calls it a war,” said Seth Meyers on Late Night before a series of clips of Trump administration officials claiming that, for example, “strategic strikes are not a war”,“Yeah, just bombing someone doesn’t count as a war.
You have to send troops,” Meyers mocked.“That’s why in Independence Day, when the alien ship blows up the White House, the president goes on TV and says: ‘No need to panic, it’s not an alien invasion.It’s just an alien strategic strike.’”“Look, I get you guys don’t want to come off as shameless liars for telling voters that Trump would end foreign wars, but this is getting confusing,” he continued.“There are two reasons why they’re talking in Orwellian circles like this.
One, if they acknowledge it’s a war, they also have to admit that it’s illegal, since only Congress can declare war,And two, they don’t want to admit that Trump lied,He said he would keep us out of exactly these type of open-ended wars and specifically forever wars,”“People are tired of endless wars,Trump knew that, and shamelessly exploited it by claiming he would stop so-called forever wars,” he added.
“What we’re seeing play out is the absurdity of life inside the Trump cult.One minute they all have to pretend Trump is a working-class savior who will end foreign wars, the next they have to pretend the war he started isn’t a war, even though he’s the one calling it a war.”“We’re now on day five of whatever this is,” said Jimmy Kimmel on Wednesday evening.“Pete Hegseth today said ‘we’re just getting started’ in Iran.And team Trump has been throwing out a wide and conflicting array of reasons for why they decided to launch this attack.
Was it to stop Iran from enriching uranium and building long-range missiles? Is it because Israel was going to do it anyway? Was it for regime change? Or maybe it’s for what Trump’s press secretary.Karoline Leavitt, said it was, which is another hunch.”Said Leavitt: “I think the president prior to that phone call had a good feeling that the Iranian regime was going to strike the United States assets and our personnel in the region.”“He had a good feeling.What more do you need?” Kimmel mocked.
“Why are good feelings for him bad for everyone else?”And on the Daily Show, Michael Kosta opened with a clip from the defense secretary Pete Hegseth’s press conference defending the US war in Iran.“America is winning, decisively, devastatingly and without mercy,” he said.“Iran cannot outlast us.We control their fate.They are toast, and they know it … This was never meant to be a fair fight, and it is not a fair fight.
”“Whoa, come on, dude – not a fair fight?” said Kosta.“That’s not something you usually hear the good guys say.Which, remember, that’s us, right? Let’s try again, and this time, try to not sound so much like a bully.”Hegseth continued: “We are punching them when they’re down, which is exactly as it should be.”“What the fuck, dude?!” said Kosta.
“Why does the secretary of defense sound like a cheesy movie villain?“But Secretary Pete’s bravado clears one thing up: this is very much a war,” he added, which puts Hegseth at odds with many congressional Republicans claiming otherwise.That included Senator Markwayne Mullin of Oklahoma, who in one breath told reporters, “This is war, and we’re taking out the threat.And if you’re part of the threat, then you’re a target.” And in the literal next breath said: “We haven’t declared war! They declared war.”“I know it seems like Markwayne is contradicting himself,” said Kosta, “But what you’ve gotta understand is that Mark thinks this is a war, but Wayne thinks it’s not … ”
UK’s private dentistry market faces review after price jumps of more than 23%
The UK’s competition watchdog has launched a review into the £8bn private dentistry market after the price of a consultation increased by nearly 25% over a two-year period.One in five people in Great Britain sought private dental care in 2024 in part because they could not access NHS treatment. Announcing its investigation, the Competition and Markets Authority (CMA) said it wanted to make sure the market was “working well for UK consumers”.The CMA said dentistry played “a critical role in people’s health and wellbeing” and that demand for private services had risen sharply in recent years. Against this backdrop the regulator pointed to independent price data that showed average prices had “increased significantly”
‘A space of their own’: how cancer centres designed by top architects can offer hope
Maggie Keswick Jencks received her weekly breast cancer treatment in a windowless neon-lit room in Edinburgh’s Western general hospital. Her husband, the renowned landscape designer Charles, later described it as a kind of “architectural aversion therapy”.It was then, in the early 1990s, that the Scottish artist and garden designer imagined her own blueprint that would allow cancer patients “a space of their own” within the alienating, clinical confines of the hospital estate, one where they might “not lose the joy of living in the fear of dying”.The first Maggie’s Centre opened in Edinburgh in 1996, a year after her death, designed by Richard Murphy and housed in a converted stable block in the Western general grounds.Three decades on, there are more than 30 of these hospital-adjacent cancer support centres across the UK and overseas, and this legacy of conscious design is celebrated in a free exhibition at the V&A Dundee from Friday
UK government ‘effectively allowed’ child sexual abuse, campaigners say
Campaigners have accused the UK government of in effect allowing child abuse to continue by having an “inconsistent and arbitrary” approach to implementing recommendations from a seven-year statutory inquiry.The claim was made at the high court in London, where a judge said a legal action against the Home Office could continue.The Maggie Oliver Foundation is taking action over the government’s alleged failure to adopt all the changes recommended by the independent inquiry into child sexual abuse (IICSA), which conducted investigations between 2015 and 2022.At a hearing on Thursday, Mr Justice Kimblin allowed the legal action to continue, saying it was arguable that the foundation had a “legitimate expectation” that the government would implement the recommendations. The Home Office is defending the claim
Circumcision classed as potentially harmful practice in new CPS guidance
Circumcision has been classed as a potentially harmful practice in new official guidance for criminal prosecutors in England and Wales, but controversial plans to class it as possible child abuse have been dropped.The Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) decided against including circumcision alongside dowry abuse, witchcraft and female genital mutilation in its new guidance on honour-based abuse, after objections from Jewish and Muslim groups when the plans were revealed by the Guardian.Instead it has included a similar section on circumcision in updated guidance on offences against the person. It says: “In certain circumstances, such as the procedure being carried out by those falsely claiming to be suitably qualified practitioners or carried out in non-sterile conditions, it can cross the line into a harmful practice.”Prosecutors are advised to consider child cruelty offences under the Children and Young Persons Act 1933 or assault offences under the Offences against the Person Act 1861
Scientists laud potentially life-changing drug for children with resistant form of epilepsy
Scientists have hailed a potentially life-changing drug for children with a hard to treat form of epilepsy, after promising early clinical trial results.Dravet syndrome is a genetic disorder which causes treatment resistant epilepsy and is often accompanied by speech and developmental delays. About 3,000 people are thought to have the condition in the UK. Current treatments aim to control the number and severity of seizures, but often do not work.These preliminary trials, led by UCL and Great Ormond Street hospital (GOSH), found that the drug appeared to be safe and well tolerated by the 81 children taking part
More than 220m children will be obese by 2040 without drastic action, report warns
Without drastic action more than 220 million children could have obesity by 2040, an international report has warned.Globally, in 2025 about 180 million children were obese. But new figures from the World Obesity Federation suggest that by 2040, about 227 million of all five- to 19-year-olds will have obesity and more than half a billion will be overweight.According to the federation’s 2026 world obesity atlas, that would mean that at least 120 million school-age children would have early signs of chronic disease caused by their high body mass index (BMI).Someone is classed as obese if their BMI is 30 or above, and overweight if it is above 25
T20 World Cup final, Six Nations, FA Cup and F1 returns – follow with us
Nine speeding tickets and counting: Myles Garrett and the illusion of invincibility | Lee Escobedo
Stakes sky high for England as Italy eye Six Nations upset for the ages | Robert Kitson
Naoya Inoue to face Junto Nakatani in historic Tokyo Dome megafight
Scotland sense chance against France to end cycle of brilliance and despair | Michael Aylwin
World Cup exit ‘a tough pill to swallow’ for England’s Jacob Bethell after maiden T20 ton