Jimmy Kimmel on US ceasefire negotiators: ‘We’d be better off with Alvin and the Chipmunks’
On Wednesday night, late-night hosts reacted to Donald Trump’s threat to wipe out Iran, the trio who are leading ceasefire negotiations in the region and JD Vance’s trip to Budapest in support of Viktor Orbán.Jimmy Kimmel focused on the ceasefire that resulted from Trump’s warning that “an entire civilization will die” if Iran did not meet US demands to open the strait of Hormuz.“Once again, he made a big threat and backed off like your dad threatening to pull the car over and turn it around,” Kimmel said.“What a time to be alive.A man who has the nuclear codes written on his stomach in ketchup has the power to wipe a whole country off the map.
”Last night, the chief energy adviser of the American company Gulf Oil told CNN that only “a trickle” of oil was passing through the strait of Hormuz.“You know what?” said the host.“At Trump’s age, a trickle is pretty good.”Kimmel continued by questioning the president’s strategy in the Middle East: “He seems to think that he can threaten to kill an entire civilization, then they’re going to be totally cool with it the next day.“Let me put this in terms you might be able to understand, Mr President.
Remember how you cheated on Melania with a porn star right after she gave birth to Barron, and now you guys sleep in separate bedrooms and she looks at you like Vin Diesel looks at The Rock? This is that type of situation; it’s not going away,”On Wednesday, Trump named Vance as lead negotiator in ceasefire talks along with special envoy Steve Witkoff and “special son-in-law” Jared Kushner,“What a trio,” joked Kimmel,“We’d be better off with Alvin, Simon and Theodore,“How is this negotiation even going to work?” asked the host.
“This is a government of religious fanatics who don’t believe in democracy, and they use domestic security forces to terrorize their own citizens: and now we expect Iran to negotiate with them?”He concluded: “Really, the only way this conflict ends is if Iran gives Trump some kind of award, like the Hormuz peace prize.You could put it next to the one he got from Hormel Chili.”On The Late Show, Stephen Colbert also addressed Trump’s threats to Iran.The president announced a deal on Tuesday evening, calling it a “double-sided ceasefire”.“Aren’t all peace deals double-sided?” asked Colbert.
“I believe there’s a word for a single-sided ceasefire and it’s ‘murder’,”The host also reacted to Trump’s comments that the war had “met and exceeded” US objectives,“It’s true,” he said,“It’s been a week since anyone mentioned the Epstein files,”This week the New York Times reported that Trump’s war in Iran was influenced by a February situation room meeting with Benjamin Netanyahu, during which the Israeli prime minister gave a presentation making a case for war.
“It’s being called the most manipulative PowerPoint since your middle schooler put together ‘Tyler’s Reasons the Family Should Get a Dog’,” joked Colbert.“Number one: your fighting makes me sad.”Netanyahu’s presentation reportedly ended by outlining a vision for regime change in Iran.“It feels like there’s a pretty big leap there at the end,” commented the host.“It sounds like a recipe that says, ‘Preheat oven to 350, chop vegetables … regime change.
”While the chair of the joint chiefs of staff, Dan Caine, warned that Iran could block the strait of Hormuz, Trump dismissed his advice and claimed that it would be a very quick war,“No, there’s no such thing,” commented Colbert,“War is one of those things that always takes longer than you expect, like setting up the wifi, or any board game where the person inviting you to play says, ‘Don’t worry, the rules will make sense once we start,’”Colbert then commented on JD Vance’s reported call to Trump during which he advised the president that war was a bad idea, “but if you want to do it, I’ll support you”,“Grow a spine, JD,” said Colbert.
“This is about starting a war in the Middle East, not a discussion on getting bangs,”The host closed his monologue by addressing Vance’s appearance as the star attraction at a rally for Viktor Orbán in Budapest,“That is a [bleep] headliner,” Colbert said,“Reminds me of when Coachella replaced Lady Gaga with one of the porta potties,”
From The Drama to Malcolm in the Middle: your complete entertainment guide to the week ahead
R-Patz and Zandaya star in a romcom with bite, and the lovably dysfunctional family is back in a revival of the turn-of-the-millennium comedy hitThe DramaOut now It is hard to imagine a more zeitgeist-flavoured proposition than Zendaya and Robert Pattinson starring in a dark romantic comedy from A24 – and frankly we are here for it. The pair play a couple whose relationship is tested by the revelation of brand new information during their engagement. Directed by Kristoffer Borgli (Dream Scenario).Kim Novak’s VertigoOut now The notional star of Alfred Hitchcock’s masterly ode to obsession is James Stewart, but it is the image of Kim Novak in her iconic dual role that endures. Documentarian Alexandre O Philippe sits down with the actor as she discusses her career in general and her iconic work on Vertigo in particular
Colbert on Trump’s Iran speech: old news ‘delivered by a narcotized turtle’
With most late-night hosts on holiday, Stephen Colbert recapped Donald Trump’s prime-time national address on the war in Iran and his firing of the US attorney general, Pam Bondi.Stephen Colbert opened Thursday’s Late Show with a celebration of the new US moon mission – “I’ve got moon madness!” he exclaimed – but after a bit on reported toilet trouble onboard Artemis II, he turned to more pressing Earth-bound matters. “Speaking of human waste, just a few hours ago we learnt that President Trump fired Attorney General Pam Bondi,” he told the audience at the Ed Sullivan Theater.“Now listen, in tribute to Pam Bondi, I offer this heartfelt farewell … ,” he added, pulling out a letter that began “Dear Pam”, followed by paragraphs of blacked-out text and the sign off: “Sincerely, Stephen Colbert” – a reference to the many, many redactions of the Epstein files that Bondi oversaw as attorney general.Bondi lost her job because Trump was reportedly upset over her handling of the said files, a dark cloud which still hangs over his administration
Post your questions for DJ Shadow
It’s almost 30 years since DJ Shadow released his era-defining debut album, Endtroducing….., and as is the way of the nostalgia industry, it had a lavish 25th-anniversary reissue five years ago, remastered at Abbey Road studios. It was such a success that Shadow has decided to repeat the process and clean up his “pre-album and non-album” catalogue. In May comes The Mo’Wax Singles 1993-1997, a box set featuring eight 12ins with all the Californian producer’s singles for James Lavelle’s label, plus alternative mixes and brand new art
Jon Stewart on Trump: less war leader, more ‘grandpa who’s lost his filter’
Late-night hosts checked in on Donald Trump’s costly “improv” war in Iran, which he cannot seem to focus on for more than one minute.This week marks a month of Donald Trump’s unauthorized war in Iran, “and as we all know, one month is the elevated threat anniversary”, joked Jon Stewart on Monday evening.“Trump is threatening to escalate our bombing campaign unless Iran opens the strait that they closed in response to Trump’s bombing campaign,” the Daily Show host explained. “I believe we’ve entered what General Patton used to refer to as the ‘human centipede portion’ of the war.”Stewart then mocked news coverage of the strait of Hormuz closure, which focused on potential disruptions to the supply of Dubai chocolate, the chocolate bar with pistachio paste that has become a favorite treat of influencers
Smiley Face: finally, a stoner comedy for the girls who get overstimulated at the supermarket
Gregg Araki’s comedy-of-errors film stars Anna Faris trying to complete everyday tasks in an astronomical state of high. It’s downright terrifyingGet our weekend culture and lifestyle emailIt’s hard not to feel a strange sense of kinship with each of the hapless heroines played by Anna Faris. Though she’s generally underrated, her signature blend of anything-for-a-laugh slapstick and absurdism makes her an adorkable standout in every project. While she has been praised for some of her work (The House Bunny, Scary Movie), her portrayal of an empty-headed LA stoner in Gregg Araki’s 2007 comedy Smiley Face remains an unsung triumph.Landing three years after Araki’s dark, critically acclaimed drama Mysterious Skin, Smiley Face was a left turn: a stoner comedy following the mishaps of perpetually buzzed, often unemployed economics student-turned-actor, Jane
‘After one gig, someone stole my car with my dole money in it’: Morcheeba on how they made The Sea
We’d made our first album and were waiting for it to come out. But we wanted to carry on writing more stuff while we were in the mood. I even cut Christmas dinner short at my uncle’s in Brixton, London, so we could get back to the studio. We would work until we passed out, then I’d sleep underneath the mixing desk with my head in the bass drum, as that’s where the pillow was.One night in early 1996, my brother Paul and I stayed up all night drinking vodka, trying to write as many songs as we could, and we came up with much of the Big Calm album
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