Meet the Fockers.The shadow cabinet from hell.Rejects, losers and deadbeats.A freak show.A tribute act.

Reform have often been called a one-man band,The Nigel Farage party,So to counter this narrative, Nige took over Church House in Westminster and turned it into a tacky gameshow set,A remake of The Weakest Link,All to parade his new top team.

The lucky men and women whose one job is to try not to fall out with one another in the next few years.No chance.Farage took centre stage; despite pretences, this was still all about him.His team were here entirely at his whim.Without him they would be nothing.

The spotlight would remain on him throughout the 75-minute presentation.His appointees would only get their turn under lights for their five-minute introductions.Then they would be cast back into the shadows.Start as you mean to go on.“I was looking for three things,” said Nige.

“Energy, experience and expertise.” Unfortunately, his first appointment had none of these.But Farage had had to find something for his deputy leader to do and, realising Richard Tice was unsuitable for any of the four main offices of state, had shunted him sideways into the lesser role of business, trade and energy.This was a very, very important role, he said.Primarily to reassure Tice.

Dicky didn’t look reassured.He had hoped to be shadow chancellor.It was all he could do not to cry.Poor Dicky.His role in life is to be shat on by Nige.

Going into the last election, Tice was the leader of Reform.Then Farage reckoned the polls were more promising than he had thought and elbowed Dicky out the way.“You don’t mind, do you?” he asked Tice belatedly.And Dicky said: no, it was fine.Because Dicky has no sense of self-worth.

He knows he’s just an extra.Someone to make up the numbers.And since the election, he has endured any number of minor humiliations as Farage’s ego has grown.Culminating in this.Tice tried to look as if he were thrilled with his demotion.

This is what he had always dreamed of.“I have a track record in business,” he said.True.He does have a small fortune.Mainly because he started off with a large one.

Now was the time to get the country growing by 4% a year and to get rid of unnecessary regulations.You wondered if Dicky had had a personality transplant and was about to announce we would be rejoining the EU.But no, this was just a wishlist.As was his creation of a national sovereign wealth fund.Even Nige looked a bit nervous at this point.

Dicky was even more of an idiot than he had thought,Next up was the job of shadow chancellor,Having looked around at the vast array of talent within the party – Andrew Rossindell, Sarah Pochin, the tax-dodging Nadhim Zahawi – Nige had decided to go for a former Tory whom he had recently described as a fraud,Step forward Robert Jenrick,The man who had been part of the Conservative government responsible for much of the country’s decline.

Honest Bob.Never one to refuse a planning consent to a party donor in need of a tax break.Honest Bob skirted over his own time in office.In a hasty piece of revisionism, he appears to have decided that the Tories left the country in good shape and that the problems all stem from the last 18 months of Labour.Wisely, he also decided to forget he had been an enthusiastic supporter of the Liz Truss budget.

We are going to look after your money, he told us,If it’s all the same, Bob …On to the shadow home secretary,This went to the permanently grumpy Zia Yusuf,He too wanted to be chancellor,Thinks he knows better than everyone, including Nige.

Is guaranteed to fall out with almost everyone.Possibly even himself.He makes Kemi Badenoch look well balanced.Zia was focused on one thing and one thing only.Deporting immigrants.

The more the merrier.Zia then took aim at Honest Bob.Things had got worse when Jenrick had been immigration minister.Nige may have time for Tory failures, but Yusuf didn’t.Last to be announced was Suella Braverman.

She had been sacked as home secretary and would now be happy to be sacked as shadow education, skills and equalities minister.Suella gave off distinct Butlin’s end-of-season-cabaret energy.Had she really defected from the Tories to be sidelined into a role in which she had no real interest? She had hoped for so much more.Foreign secretary maybe.But education it was.

All schools were rubbish, she said.University was fine for her kids, but the little people should get back in their boxes and learn a trade.As for equalities, she had no interest in that at all.So she was abolishing it immediately.The shortest held shadow ministerial title of all time.

And that was that.No one in Reform was currently up to the job of shadow foreign or defence secretary.Dicky and Suella had clearly been overlooked for them.Maybe Nige just hadn’t been able to get through to Matt Goodwin.Matt does have the air of someone who spends half the night watching Andrew Tate videos.

Maybe Farage is saving Pochin for monoculture, media and sport.Come the media questions, Farage was quick to remind everyone that Reform really was all about him.The last 45 minutes had just been a nod to democracy.This was his party and he would do what he liked with it.One journalist dared to ask Honest Bob a question and Nige quickly interrupted: “I’ll take that one.

” Jenrick retreated into the darkness.He understands the rules.For now.Cross Farage and you are toast.The longer the press conference went on, the more arrogant and objectionable Nige became.

He started ridiculing female journalists for asking the wrong questions.Refusing to answer anything awkward.This was the thin-skinned, sexist, bad-tempered version of Nige that he tries so hard to keep under wraps.But he couldn’t help himself.Couldn’t bear relinquishing some control.

He had had more than enough of letting the others have their five minutes of fame,