The Sunbed King stifles a yawn at Chequers while Keir twitches at the press | John Crace
It takes all sorts.Standing around under gun-metal skies watching soldiers isn’t many people’s idea of fun but world leaders are a different breed.No bit of pageantry and flattery goes unnoticed.So why not give Donald Trump the full Disney treatment he craves? After all, it wasn’t as if he was going to be allowed to stray outside the Windsor Castle compound and it was better than making the king sit indoors and watch Fox News.But if Wednesday was the softening up – “You’re great, you’re the best, the world would stop without you.
We’ve never done anything like this for anyone else” Thursday was very much the business end of the state visit.And the one moment of real danger for the US president and Keir Starmer.The Chequers press conference at which everything could go tits up.The one bit of the trip that wasn’t entirely scripted.You could see the anxiety in Starmer’s eyes as he and the Sunbed King entered the Great Hall in Chequers.
A room of wood panels and countless mediocre portraits.The US press corps all stood and applauded.Seriously? The UK pack remained seated.Keir gave an anxious glance towards the phalanx of journalists.“Please don’t screw this up for me, guys.
Just give me this one win.” The Donald looked unmoved.As so often, lost in his own world.His own Truman show.The centre of the universe.
Everyone else mere satellites to his ego.Even Keir.Especially Keir.Just another beta male.Starmer kicked things off with a run-of-the-mill speech designed not to rock the boat.
Everything was fantastic,This had been the best state visit ever and no one could tell him differently,Britain and the US had always loved each other and always would,No more so than now,And all thanks to the US president.
Perhaps Keir hadn’t bothered to check that The Donald isn’t that popular this side of the Atlantic.But back to Trump.He was the best.The bringer of tech trade deals.The architect of world peace.
Better even than Bono.All the while, The Donald looked bored out of his mind.As if he would rather be anywhere other than answering questions from the media.As if he was tired of schmoozing the UK prime minister and couldn’t wait to get back to DC.Or maybe he was just reminiscing about Wednesday night’s farmhouse chicken at the state banquet.
That’s what he had really come to the UK for.All this was just routine.No glitz.No glory.Eventually Keir wound up and handed over to Agent Orange.
The Donald looked down at his notes,BE GRATEFUL,DON’T ROCK THE BOAT,TRY NOT TO HUMILIATE STARMER IN HIS OWN BACK YARD,Sure.
He could just about manage that.He was thankful for the rightful honours that had been bestowed on him.The king – “a fantastic person” – would never have done this for Joe Biden.Biden was a loser.The worst.
He, The Great Donald, had personally resolved seven of the most intractable wars around the world.He came in peace.Just a shame he hadn’t been able to make progress on Ukraine or Gaza.But he would get around to it sooner or later.Just don’t mention the recent Alaska summit in which he had been made to look a fool by Vladimir Putin.
Then came the questions.The first from the BBC on Palestine and Israel.Trump was the only man with influence over Israel.Why wasn’t he using it? Starmer assured us they had talked a great deal about this.They both wanted the war to end and for the hostages to be released.
Trump just mumbled.It seemed like the great peacemaker was as clueless on how to resolve the situation as the rest of us.The people of Gaza can expect to be bombed for a while yet.On the question of illegal immigration, The Donald had some kind words of advice.Send in the military.
Crack a few skulls.Get some target practice in.That’s what he’d done and it had worked a treat.Keir looked twitchy at this.He had returned one Indian to France overnight.
That was a start.Luckily, we quickly moved on to global politics again.In breaking news, The Donald declared that he had now ended one of the world’s worst conflicts.Between Albania and Azerbaijan.A war the world didn’t even know was taking place.
For the simple reason that it wasn’t,Perhaps I have inadvertently stopped a war between Australia and Turkmenistan,The Donald answered his three questions from the US media with ease,Largely because he had picked three stooges from rightwing organisations who were never going to ask anything difficult,Keir could only applaud.
There are times when he must wish he was an American.Though we did get to find out that Keir – at least for the duration of the state visit – was now a devout Christian.Expect to see a pile of ashes.And that was about it.Starmer breathed a huge sigh of relief.
He had survived the experience without anyone asking the killer question.Feeling demob happy, he invited a couple more questions from the UK pool.Big mistake.Sure enough, it was Sky’s Beth Rigby who asked the Mandelson/Epstein question.Really? REALLY? Did you have to ask that?Starmer crumpled.
The Donald stepped in.He had never heard of Mandy.Never met him.Nothing to see here.This was one for Keir.
It’s normally Peter who does the denying three times,This was a lie of epic proportions,Trump had loved Mandy,His lordship was almost ever present at the White House,A ghost of a smile crossed Starmer’s face.
Perhaps he should try this bullshit.Time up.Keir had had enough.He had escaped from this more or less alive.It could have gone so much worse.
He had known Trump was a rogue operator but he could live with this.Thank fuck the state visit was finally over.Time to focus on surviving his party conference.“That’s all,” said Starmer.The US press corps stood up again to applaud.
The Bonfire of the Insanities by John Crace (Guardian Faber Publishing, £16.99).To support the Guardian, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com.Delivery charges may apply
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