Seth Meyers on ICE: ‘An army of out-of-shape uncles’
Late-night hosts talked cratering public opinion on the Trump administration’s deployment of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) in US communities and the president’s apparent preference for whole milk.Seth Meyers opened Wednesday’s Late Night with a reminder to viewers about how Trump “sold his mass deportation program to voters during the campaign”.That would be by declaring some version of “We are going to start with violent criminals” again and again.“If you say you’re going to get violent criminals off the streets, of course people are going to be into that.But that was a lie,” Meyers noted.
“It would have been much less popular if Trump had announced his plan was to hire an army of out-of-shape uncles to hang around Target and aggressively ask people where they were born.And that’s what’s really happening.“Instead of deporting violent criminals like Trump promised, we just keep getting this,” he said before showing clips of ICE agents at a high school in Minnesota, where they blocked roads and shot students with pepper spray, and arresting people at Target as others bought their groceries.“Why the hell is ICE spending time at Target?” he fumed.“What’s next? Are they going to deport the Target dog?”The Trump administration’s rush to expand ICE has resulted in new recruits struggling to meet lowered standards, especially a basic fitness test of 15 push-ups, 32 sit-ups and running 1.
5 miles in 14 minutes.Some senior ICE officials have described the process as “pathetic” and “a disaster”.“Well you know it’s bad when even your own bosses are calling you pathetic and a disaster,” said Meyers.Worse, many new recruits were also not fully vetted, and some were later discovered to have criminal backgrounds and failed drug tests.Nearly half failed the written exam, even when given access to notes and textbooks.
“How the fuck do you fail an open-book test?” Meyers laughed.“Of course, these jabronis probably think the words ‘open-book test’ means that it’s a test to see if you can open a book.”Referring to numerous polls showing widespread disapproval of ICE tactics, Meyers made his final point: “Most Americans do not want armed agents wreaking havoc in their schools, neighborhoods and grocery stores, especially when those armed agents are not even qualified for the job.”On Jimmy Kimmel Live!, the host touched on Trump’s bullying rhetoric on Greenland, the autonomous territory controlled by Denmark that he has suggested taking over.Leaders of Greenland, naturally, have rebuffed such rhetoric.
“Trump’s not really an ask-for-consent kind of guy,” said Kimmel.“He doesn’t have to ask – when you’re a star, they just let you.”But “of course they don’t want to be part of the United States right now!” he added.“Nobody wants to be.People from the United States don’t want to be part of the United States.
It’s like being cast in a movie that already has Bill Cosby as the lead.”Kimmel then pivoted to Trump’s Wednesday activities at the White House.“This morning, I read that Trump was holding an MLK event in the Oval Office,” he said.“It turned out it wasn’t … about MLK.It was about M-I-L-K.
”“You see that beautiful milk? That’s what we’re here for,” Trump said from his desk, before he signed a bipartisan bill allowing schools to offer whole and 2% milk to students, overturning Obama-era restrictions that limited students to fat-free or low-fat milk,“Whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican, whole milk is right,” said Trump,“Whole milk,It’s actually a legal definition, whole milk, and it’s whole with a ‘w’ for those of you that have a problem,That’s right.
It’s not ‘hole’ milk.It’s ‘whole’ milk.”“Does he think that we think that milk comes from a hole?” Kimmel exclaimed.“I mean, if there’s milk coming from your hole, you either need to get to a doctor or a farm and quit.”And on The Late Show, Stephen Colbert mocked the Trump administration’s declaration via social media post that it is “ending the war on protein”.
“Americans are finally saying merry beef-mas again!” he joked.Colbert also touched on Trump signing a bill that allows schools to offer whole and 2% milk.“And this is great news for the many Americans who have been demanding this change,” he said.“How many? About 2%.”As for Trump’s insistence that it was “whole milk” not “hole milk” – “yes, very important distinction”, Colbert said.
“That’s whole milk, with a W, not hole milk, with an H.Trump had to make that distinction to avoid copyright infringement, because hole milk without the W pretty sure is the plot of Heated Rivalry.”He then played a clip of an employee at a Ford factory in Michigan who called Trump a “pedophile protector” as the president toured the facility.Trump responded with his middle finger.“You saw that right.
Apparently Trump has designated a new national bird,” said Colbert,“That is the most crudely hostile response from the leader of our country,“You gotta hand it to that autoworker for getting under Trump’s skin like compound butter on a Thanksgiving turkey,” he added,“And all because he brought up the Epstein files,Which reminds me – where are the Epstein files?!“We were told that there would be Epstein files! In fact you signed a law mandating that you would have to release the Epstein files by the middle of last month, but you still haven’t.
It kinda makes you seem like a – what’s the phrase? – pedophile protector!”
Wu wipes the floor with Xiao and books place in Masters semi with 6-0 rout
Wu Yize booked his place in the semi-finals of the Masters with a brilliant display of potting to thrash an underperforming Xiao Guodong 6-0 at Alexandra Palace.The young Chinese player got off to a flying start with breaks of 112, 93 and 60 as he raced into a clear 4-0 lead at the mid-session break over his countryman, who could not reproduce the form that saw him see off Mark Selby 6-2 in the first round.Xiao had chances in the first frame but failed to put away a routine blue to the middle and split the pack for his opponent. Some dreadful misses and poor safety play did not help as he struggled to make any progress.Wu fashioned a break of 84 as he took the fifth frame before rounding off a comprehensive victory with a run of 97
Thistle Ask seeks to sting rivals in Ascot’s all-star Clarence House Chase
The top-rated two-mile chaser in training takes on the most improved performer in the division in the Clarence House Chase at Ascot today and Thistle Ask (3.30) feels overpriced at around 7-1 to take the step up to Grade One company in his stride.Thistle Ask has made remarkable progress since joining Dan Skelton’s yard for just £11,000 in May, winning his first start for his new stable off a mark of 115 and completing a four-timer off 146 in the Desert Orchid Handicap Chase at Kempton’s Christmas meeting.The opposition there was a long way short of the three high-class rivals he will face on Saturday, but the visual impression of Thistle Ask’s frontrunning, 10-length success was backed up by a strong time figure and the form pushed his Timeform rating to 162, within 6lb of last year’s winner, Jonbon.Harry Cobden, who was announced this week as JP McManus’s new No 1 rider in Britain and Ireland from the start of next season, rides Jonbon for the first time on Saturday, but while the 10-year-old remains wonderfully consistent, recent runs have suggested that he may be just a little past his best
Alex de Minaur out to break new ground as next generation boost Australia hopes
World No 6 aims to progress past quarter-finals at a grand slam, while Maya Joint is Australia’s first seeded woman at Melbourne Park since 2022Amid the annual upheaval at the Australian Open, of party courts, one-point fairytales, and ever-expanding festivals, some things don’t change. Alex de Minaur has had the same locker every year of the 10 he has played at Melbourne Park, and he once again carries the hopes of home fans into the year’s first grand slam.On the Groundhog Day repetition of the international circuit, it’s the kind of familiarity that might breed superstition. But not for the 26-year-old. “Throughout my career I’ve tried to stay clear from superstitions, because I think it can consume you,” said the man entering the tournament – at No 6 – as the highest local men’s seed in two decades
Max Verstappen admits new F1 season is step into unknown amid rule changes
Red Bull formally began their tilt at the forthcoming Formula One season, unveiling the livery for their challenger, the RB22, in a showcase event in Detroit on Thursday, with Max Verstappen admitting the sweeping regulation changes for 2026 will be a step into the “unknown”.Before a highly anticipated season, with a swathe of big rule changes presenting a challenge across the grid, Red Bull are the first in what is due to be a hectic period of launches before pre-season testing begins.The four-time champion Verstappen finished second in last year’s championship, two points behind McLaren’s Lando Norris, but the Dutchman had to extract the maximum from a car that was off the pace for the opening half of the season.The team continued development of the car well into the season in order to better understand how it fed into this year’s model and Verstappen was eager to climb behind the wheel.“It’s all still a bit unknown,” said Verstappen in Detroit alongside his new teammate, Isack Hadjar
NFL divisional round predictions: which No 1 seed is set for an unpleasant shock?
The postseason continues with the Broncos and Seahawks entering the fray, but there could be trouble for one of the frontrunnersWhat the Bills need to do to win: Keep winning short-yardage situations. The tush push on fourth down that propelled Josh Allen 10 yards and helped secure Buffalo’s win over Jacksonville last weekend epitomised how the Bills dominated the game’s crucial moments. The Bills converted four of their five third downs with four yards or to go last Sunday, and they finished fifth in third-down rate in the regular season in the same situations. Denver were eighth this season in third-and-short defensive efficiency (50.6%)
Katie Boulter seeks to put dismal 2025 in past with help of Sharapova’s former coach
Katie Boulter is hopeful that she can rediscover her best form and return towards the top of the WTA Tour this year with the help of Maria Sharapova’s former coach Michael Joyce.Boulter opted to split with her previous longtime coach, Biljana Veselinovic, at the end of last year after an incredibly difficult season in which she fell from her career high ranking of No 23 at the end of 2024 to her current ranking of 113.She quickly hired Joyce, a former player who has worked with Johanna Konta, Jessica Pegula, Victoria Azarenka and Eugenie Bouchard, with his most recent partnership a four-year tenure with Ashlyn Krueger.“Personally I always really liked him,” said Boulter. “I thought he’s done a really good job with a lot of other players … Jessie, Ashlyn
Bank of England governor calls for fightback against populism; South East Water restores service to most Kent and Sussex homes – as it happened
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Prominent PR firm accused of commissioning favourable changes to Wikipedia pages
Testing times for English cricket | Letters
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