Jimmy Kimmel on Trump’s State of the Union: ‘A nutjob wannabe king’
Late-night hosts recapped Donald Trump’s interminable State of the Union address and the homeland security secretary, Kristi Noem, using taxpayer money to travel for her alleged affair.Jimmy Kimmel took a break from Trump’s 107-minute State of the Union address – the longest ever, breaking his own record – to record his show on Tuesday evening.“What a speech it wasn’t,” he summarized of the meandering address.Still, “the theme of tonight’s speech was ‘all foreigners are murderers’.And Trump said zero illegal aliens have been allowed into the United States on his watch, but the door is always open to those who come in legally to be his next wife.
So that’s something.He bragged about DEI.He bragged about kicking 2 million people off food stamps.It was like a Christmas message from the Grinch.“When you ramble incoherently for two hours is that technically still a speech or does it at some point become a conniption fit?” he wondered.
“The speech went on so long Kristi Noem’s dog shot itself.”Kimmel played several of Trump’s choice divisive lines, such as: “Democrats are destroying our country, but we stopped it just in the nick of time.”“I have to say: Trump’s dementia really makes me miss Joe Biden’s dementia,” Kimmel lamented.“It was a much friendlier dementia.”He concluded with a “real” assessment of the union: “We have a nutjob wannabe king who’s doing everything he can to censor opinions he doesn’t want to hear.
He has his goons arresting, incarcerating and killing American citizens.He’s cut funding for cancer research at children’s hospitals while he rakes in literally billions of dollars for himself and his family.He’s coming after our right to vote.He’s protecting pedophiles and won’t explain it.He’s lining the pockets of billionaires, all while neglecting the sick, the poor and the hungry – in the name of Jesus by the way, who you can read all about in the Donald Trump edition of the God Bless the USA Bible, that is made in China and available for $99.
99.That is the state of the union.”“According to Trump’s team, the official theme of the speech was ‘America at 250: Strong, Prosperous and Respected’,” explained Stephen Colbert on The Late Show, which taped live following Trump’s speech.“Though if you have to say you’re strong, prosperous and respected it kind of feels like you’re not.It’s like getting an invite to ‘Sheila’s 50! Single, happy and absolutely loving menopause.
Is it hot in here? It’s hot in here,Let’s punch a wall!’“This speech was an important opportunity for Trump,” he added, “because right now his popularity is un,” According to a new CNN poll, Trump’s job approval rating among all adults is a lowly 36%,The president arrived at the Capitol on Tuesday “looking a little tired, but his hair was nice and fluffy”, Colbert noted,“Personally, I think he could have kept his head in the cotton candy machine a little bit longer.
”In those nearly two hours, Trump took credit for things he had nothing to do with, fomented racial animus and rambled incoherently,“If you’ve heard any of Trump’s speeches before, you’ll notice there really wasn’t much new material here,” Colbert summarized,“Honoring our veterans and our first responders aside, it was a dark speech filled with divisive lies, and it’s unlikely to win him much support with the voters who have grown disenchanted with the chaos and dysfunction of his second administration,”On Late Night, which taped before Trump’s address, Seth Meyers touched on Trump’s own admission that he expected his speech to be long,“Oh yeah, I think we’re all expecting that,” said Meyers.
“You’re incapable of being brief.Even if you were just going to read a haiku, I would expect two intermissions.“We tape early, so I’ll go ahead and factcheck in advance: not true, not true, OJ’s White Bronco was not driven by Joe Biden, not true, not true, and actually Jonathan Bailey is People’s Sexiest Man Alive.”During a White House briefing on Monday, Trump complained that he does not get credit for his accomplishments, “but does get credit for other people’s”, Meyers quipped.Trump further complained: “If I came up with a cure for cancer, they would say he should’ve done it years ago.
”“I don’t know,” Meyers responded,“If you came up with a cure for cancer, I would lose respect for cancer,”And on The Daily Show, Desi Lydic provided a status update on the homeland security secretary, Kristi Noem,“As head of DHS, Noem has a busy job starting wars in American cities, but somehow she seems to have found time for love,” she said, citing many reports that Noem, who is married, is having a poorly concealed affair with her deputy, Corey Lewandowski,(Both have denied the rumors.
) “Guys, finally this administration has a sex scandal involving consenting adults,” Lydic deadpanned.“We did it! USA, USA, USA!“I know it’s a bit unseemly, but I try to stay out of people’s personal business,” she continued.“I mean, it’s not like Kristi and Corey are flying around on a taxpayer-funded fuck plane … ”Well.The two have reportedly been using a luxury 737 Max jet worth $70m, outfitted with a private cabin in the back for their travel around the country on taxpayer money.“OK, so they’re flying around on a taxpayer-funded fuck plane,” said Lydic.
“How do they justify charging the country for their bang bus in the sky?”On paper, they claimed they needed the large plane for “immigrant deportation flights”.“Oh yeah, I’m so sure this is the plane they’re using to deport illegal immigrants,” she said.“Could you imagine actually being deported on that plane? And the whole time you’re hearing Corey and Kristi Noem grunting in the back? I’d be like, ‘Can this plane please hurry up and land in South Sudan already?’”Noem is also allegedly fussy about the details.According to a report from the Wall Street Journal, Lewandowski fired a Coast Guard pilot after she forgot her blanket when they switched planes.They then reinstated the pilot when no one else was available to fly them home.
“Oh my God, could this get any dumber?” Lydic mocked.“The only way this could get any dumber is, I don’t know, deporting 10 million people and then realizing that they were the ones that did all the hard jobs.”
World Economic Forum CEO quits after Epstein links examined; Ineos Quattro earnings fall – as it happened
The president and CEO of the World Economic Forum, Børge Brende, is stepping down, after the forum launched an independent investigation into his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein.Brende, a former Norwegian Minister of Foreign Affairs, has announced he is stepping down from WEF to avoid “distractions”.In a statement just released, Brende says:double quotation markAfter careful consideration, I have decided to step down as President and CEO of the World Economic Forum. My time here, spanning 8½ years, has been profoundly rewarding.We have seen a record number of partners join us, and we have had a very successful Annual Meeting in Davos behind us, where we engaged with governmental leaders from all over the world like never before
Tell us: how are your finances looking ahead of the spring forecast?
Next Tuesday the chancellor, Rachel Reeves, will update the country on the state of the economy when the spring forecast is delivered to parliament.The government is not expected to make major announcements on taxes and spending but will include the latest forecasts for growth, details of the UK’s financial position and hint at the changes we might expect in future.We would like to hear from you. How are you feeling about your finances right now and has anything improved or worsened over the past year?You can tell us about your financial situation using this form.Please include as much detail as possible
Rolls-Royce boss pushes for UK taxpayer support for new jet engine
The chief executive of Rolls-Royce has pressed ministers for taxpayer support for a new jet engine, on a day the company also announced record profits and promised to give up to £9bn back to shareholders.The £3bn engine project, designed to power smaller commercial planes, would allow Rolls-Royce to re-enter the lucrative short-haul flights market.Tufan Erginbilgiç said on Thursday: “Not supporting it would be a sort of strange thing to do,” given Labour had named advanced manufacturing as a priority in its industrial strategy, released last summer.Rolls-Royce has already spent more than £1bn on the project, while it has reportedly asked the UK government to initially provide between £100m and £200m to develop and test the UltraFan 30 engine.Erginbilgiç said: “There are all sorts of numbers out there
WPP to sell assets and cut jobs in radical shake-up to counter AI threat
The beleaguered UK advertising group WPP has announced a radical restructure to counter the threat posed by the growth of artificial intelligence, including plans to sell assets and job cuts.Aiming to be “a simpler, lower-cost, AI-enabled business”, the London-based company laid out plans to achieve £500m of annual savings by 2028, at a cost of £400m over two years.Cindy Rose, the chief executive who took over last summer, said the company was “unveiling a bold plan for a simpler, more integrated WPP that’s fit for the future and built to win”. It has struggled to stem a growing exodus of clients and is racing to match the AI and data capabilities of rivals, amid fears that AI will allow customers to bring more marketing functions in-house.Rose said WPP had identified several assets that it wanted to shed, without naming them
Ocado to cut 1,000 jobs in £150m cost-saving drive
Ocado is to cut 1,000 jobs as the retail technology business attempts to slash £150m in costs through a substantial restructuring programme.The company confirmed that about 5% of its global workforce will be affected. About two-thirds of the jobs are expected to go from the UK, where the company is based in Hatfield, Hertfordshire. About half the jobs going are in technology, with the rest made up of support staff.The business, which provides technology for robotic warehouses for supermarket chains, said it plans to scale back research and development, helping it cut about £150m in technology and support costs in 2026
Qantas unveils major changes to frequent flyer program and a bumper $1.46bn profit
Qantas is overhauling its frequent flyer program to entice members to climb its vaunted membership tiers, in changes designed to prevent customers from switching to rival schemes.The reforms, described by the airline as the “biggest changes to status in program history”, have been unveiled during a hugely profitable period for Qantas, with revenue rising across its domestic, international and loyalty scheme businesses.On Thursday, Qantas announced planned changes to the loyalty scheme to allow members to roll over some of their status credits - the currency used to determine membership tiers - helping people reach or maintain high levels such as gold and platinum.This differs from the previous system of unused credits resetting to zero at the end of a holder’s membership year.However, the amount of credits needed to keep status levels is increasing, according to analysis from comparison site Finder
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