Jimmy Kimmel on Trump’s Iran negotiations: ‘His word is as good as the gold commode he sits on’
Late-night hosts reacted to Donald Trump’s indefinite extension of the Iran ceasefire as his cabinet fumbles negotiations over the unpopular war.“The White House is not a fun place to be right now,” said Jimmy Kimmel on Tuesday evening.“The strait of Hormuz is like a Toys ‘R’ Us - nobody has any idea if it’s still open or not.”A Trump-imposed ceasefire between the US and Iran was scheduled to end on Wednesday night, and on Monday, Trump said it was “highly unlikely” he would extend it.“He said if a deal wasn’t reached, Iran was going to be bombed like Kash Patel at the Poodle Room in Vegas,” Kimmel quipped, referring to a bombshell report from the Atlantic on the FBI director’s alleged excessive drinking and unexplained absences.
“And that line in the sand was reinforced by his tweenage press secretary,” Karoline Leavitt.“President Trump has proven before that he does not bluff,” Leavitt fumed on Fox News.“When he makes a promise, he follows through on it.And I’m not sure why after 10 years of covering this president, the American media still cannot understand that when President Trump says he’s going to do something, he’s going to do it.”“That’s right,” Kimmel mocked.
“He said he was going to end the war in Ukraine in one day, he said he was going to release his tax returns, the new healthcare plan, the wall, Greenland – this is a man whose word is as good as the gold commode he sits on.”And then by Tuesday, of course, Trump extended the ceasefire indefinitely.“What Trump is doing right now, it’s like if you hired a plumber to install a new toilet, and the plumber tells you it will only take an hour to put it in, and then there you are eight weeks later and you still have a hole in the ground,” Kimmel said.“So you call him and he says, ‘Installation is going great, everything’s perfect, ahead of schedule.’ In fact, he actually finished the job back in March.
But as soon as he can get his vice-plumber over there to flush it, your bowel movements will go down better than ever before.Definitely better than Joe Biden’s, OK?’”“We’re in week eight of the Iran war, and as of tonight it is unclear if US-Iran peace talks will happen one day before Trump’s ultimatum expires,” said Stephen Colbert on Tuesday, in “not super-comforting” news.The talks were supposed to begin on Tuesday in Islamabad, Pakistan, but “based on what we know now, it doesn’t look Islama-good,” the Late Show host quipped, because on Tuesday afternoon US negotiators delayed their trip, and Trump announced that he was indefinitely extending the ceasefire.The president claimed he was not worried about the deal, posting on his Truth Social platform: “I read the Fake News saying that I am under ‘pressure’ to make a Deal.THIS IS NOT TRUE! I am under no pressure whatsoever, although it will all happen, relatively quickly! Time is not my adversary.
”“Oh yeah? Have you taken a gander at your ankles lately?” Colbert responded, “because it’s never a good sign when your shoes have a muffin top.”Trump also called into cable news and claimed that had he been president during the Vietnam war, he would have won the war “very, very quickly”, forcing Colbert to break out his Trump impression: “I’ve studied Vietnam very closely.If I had been president, Bubba would still be alive.And Lieutenant Dan would have legs.No, folks, it’s like my mama always said – ‘Life is like a box of chocolates, and I do not love you, Donald.
’”And on Late Night, Seth Meyers reported news of Kash Patel’s $250m defamation lawsuit against the Atlantic for its investigation into his alleged alcohol abuse.“You’d have to be pretty drunk to think a print magazine can afford $250m,” Meyers laughed.The host also touched on the negotiations between the US and Iran over a three-page plan to end the war.“Specifically, Trump’s trying to negotiate them down to one page,” he joked.In a new interview, the president said he would reach a peace deal with Iran “one way or another, the nice way or the hard way”.
“The nice way or the hard way? That’s not how you reach a peace deal,” said Meyers.“That’s something you yell during a bank robbery.”And in unrelated news, a new Grateful Dead app launched featuring high-quality recordings of more than 400 full live shows.“Said Dead fans, ‘Wow, it sounds even better than I don’t remember,’” Meyers quipped.
Retail sales rise in Great Britain after Iran war prompted ‘panic at the pumps’
Motorists stocking up on fuel helped to push up retail sales in Great Britain last month as the Iran war prompted “panic at the pumps” amid rapid rises in petrol and diesel prices.The Office for National Statistics (ONS) said the volume of retail sales rose by 0.7% last month, well above analysts’ forecasts of just 0.1%.That rise was driven by a 6
Stock markets will fall, Bank of England deputy governor says
Record-high global stock markets do not reflect the risks in the global economy, and will fall back, a deputy governor at the Bank of England has said.Sarah Breeden, the deputy governor for financial stability at the Bank, fears that macroeconomic risks are not fully priced into equity markets. She cited concerns about private credit markets, highly valued artificial intelligence stocks, and other “risky valuations”.Breeden told the BBC: “There’s a lot of risk out there and yet asset prices are at all-time highs. We expect there will be an adjustment at some point
‘Dumb mistake’: Mayfair club Annabel’s gave managers bonus from staff service charge
The restaurant tycoon Richard Caring has admitted his private members club Annabel’s made a “dumb mistake” after staff revolted over the use of more than £70,000 of their pre-Christmas service charge takings to pay managers’ bonuses.Just one table of diners at the exclusive Mayfair venue, which has hosted celebrities, financiers and aristocrats ranging from Kate Moss and Harry Styles to the late queen, can spend more than £10,000 in an evening, according to workers.Guests pay an optional 15% service charge, which goes to staff, and a further £3-a-head cover charge, which is kept by the company. The Guardian has seen evidence that Annabel’s, where a latte costs £6, a cheeseburger £26 and a ribeye steak £125, can collect more than £100,000 in service charges in just one week.One member of staff said that “everyone got mad” when workers realised their share of the bumper service charge takings in the run-up to Christmas had been reduced by as much as £70,000 to hand bonuses to about 50 managers
Feeling gloomy about the economy? The ‘vibecession’ has arrived in Australia – but experts are less worried
Australian households were already on edge before the bombs started falling in Iran.The cost of living was high and inflation was accelerating again, forcing the Reserve Bank to start ratcheting up interest rates.It’s clear that this is a time of deep uncertainty and anxiety.Nevertheless, it is striking that more than six in 10 Australians reckon the country is either already in a recession, or will be in the next 12 months, according to a poll conducted for the Nine newspapers.Just 15% thought the country would avoid a deep downturn, while 22% said they were unsure
Reform UK asks steel bosses to draft ‘alternative strategy’ for industry
Reform UK has asked steel bosses to draw up an “alternative steel strategy” to rival recent government plans, stoking industry fears over a charm offensive by Nigel Farage’s party as it eyes gains in former Labour heartlands.Richard Tice, Reform’s deputy leader, met a group of bosses shortly before Labour announced new steel tariffs in March and commissioned them to draft a competing plan that will include scrapping net zero policies.The party is trying to harness growing anger at the government for high business energy bills, exacerbated by the Iran war, which are damaging steel companies and the wider manufacturing sector. Reform’s overtures have received a mixed reception across the industry.One of the plan’s authors, the boss of a steel fabricating company, said Tice had made them feel Reform “cares about the industry” more than Labour
Revealed: UK oil refinery owner moved Russian loans to offshore subsidiary where sanctions did not apply
Days after the first wave of Russian tanks surged over the border into Ukraine in March 2022, dockers at a port in northern England took a stand.Appalled by Vladimir Putin’s brutality, workers at Ellesmere Port in Cheshire vowed never to unload any Russian oil destined for the nearby Stanlow refinery, a major hub for UK fuel supplies.As the spotlight fell on Essar, the Indian-owned conglomerate that is Stanlow’s parent company, it also acted fast, ceasing all imports of Russian fuel.But analysis of the Essar group’s company accounts by the Guardian and SourceMaterial, an investigative journalism organisation, raises questions about whether the flow of money was staunched as swiftly as the flow of oil.In the months after the invasion, Essar entered into complex offshore arrangements that appear to have enabled the group to keep dealing with a Russian bank under sanctions from the west
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