‘I knew I was starting to have a seizure’: women describe lasting effects of being ‘choked’ during sex
When Sophie* woke up on the floor after having a seizure, it took a while before she could comprehend that it had been caused by a man strangling her during sex,“I blacked out, my legs were kicking, I broke a glass,” she says,At 19, it was the first and only time anything like that had happened to her,“When I came to, I couldn’t work out who he was, where I was, what was going on,And it was utterly terrifying.
”She had not asked to be strangled, or “choked” as it is often called, but the encounter had been consensual and she says she had accepted being strangled as “a normal part” of sex.“You create a narrative in your head where you wanted it or it’s a good thing or it’s OK, because you don’t want to face the fact that somebody could have hurt you in that way,” she says.She realises now she should have seen a doctor after the seizure, but the man “persuaded me not to because he didn’t want to get into trouble and I was worried about being shamed in some way”.The first major study on strangulation during sex found that more than half of people under the age of 35 had experienced it and it was common among teenagers as young as 16 who had seen it in porn and on social media.Despite being a profoundly unsafe practice that carries the risk of brain injury – even when there are no physical signs – and death, many people still believed it could be done safely, the study found.
Sophie, now 21, says the proliferation of violent porn among her generation means they have grown up with “such a warped perception of intimacy”, and she feels the problem is only getting worse,“I can only imagine the anxiety I’d have in the future if I have girls,” she says,Other women described similar encounters, some that happened repeatedly during long relationships,Carrie*, who lives in the US, where the government is considerably slower to act on the multibillion-dollar violent pornography industry, says she first experienced strangulation at a “vulnerable” time in her early 20s, with a much older partner who had a powerful job,“He had said ‘Do you agree to submit to me?’ and I said yes, but I didn’t really know what that meant.
I didn’t know what I was agreeing to.And then he was very violent with me, more than I expected.And I was really afraid.I was panicked,” she says.“I remember, frequently he would be strangling me, and I would be fighting to stay awake.
And I felt like I was fighting to keep my eyes open.And sometimes that was something that I could not do.And then afterwards I would feel very dazed and sometimes, like, off balance.I would almost struggle to walk.And then it would be like I was, like, mentally slow for a couple days afterwards.
”She looked online and discovered she had probably suffered injuries to her brain, and she says that was what gave her the courage to end the relationship,“[I thought] if only I had known this sooner, maybe I would have left sooner,” she says,Later on, she dated other men who put their hands on her throat, but when she said she didn’t like it they backed off,“I would guess they got the idea from porn,”Porn featuring strangulation and suffocation is due to be banned in the UK by the end of the year, meaning tech platforms will have a legal obligation to stop UK users seeing that content.
Laura* says she knew her partner of more than a decade enjoyed watching violent pornography.“It was, I think, the only thing that could excite him – which is really worrying – and that’s what he got used to.”She would often feel dizzy while it was happening and was strangled unconscious multiple times during sex.“I realised he had no idea about the fact that any of those times he could have killed me,” she says.“I kept going back because of course I just was in such a huge amount of denial around it all.
I think because it’s so traumatic and it’s so frightening, you almost get amnesia around it,”The last time they had sex he used a ligature to strangle her – something common in porn,“I knew instantly that I was starting to have a seizure and then I woke up on the floor,” she says,It was after that escalation that she found the courage to leave,Like Sophie and Carrie, Laura did not see a doctor.
She says: “I would urge anyone that happened to, to go and get medical attention because it can cause strokes in the following days and weeks.”Laura, who is now in her 30s, suffers from memory issues and fatigue, problems that are common among women who have experienced “choking”.“I get a lot of headaches.I get weakness.I have a lot of tinnitus, light headedness, all sorts of things like that.
”She gets support from the Brain Injury Association, which helps people who have suffered anoxic and hypoxic brain injury.The women who spoke to the Guardian all said they felt it was about power and control for the men who strangled them, and that these men got sexual gratification from hurting or frightening them.However, research shows some men also feel pressed into strangling a sexual partner.And while there is a gender divide – it is most commonly men strangling women – women are the perpetrators in a sizeable minority of cases.Sophie says that after the experience with the man who gave her a seizure, it was “refreshing” to meet her current partner.
She says: “When we first started going out, I would have been like ‘Oh, you can choke me if you want to’, and he would say: ‘Why would I do that? I don’t want to do that.I care about you.’”*All names have been changed
How to make risotto alla milanese – recipe | Felicity Cloake's Masterclass
Risotto alla milanese is, like the city it calls home, elegantly simple, but very rich. The saffron that gives the dish its striking colour is rightly expensive (it takes about 150 flowers to produce a mere gram), but you don’t need much and, though it’s often served alongside osso buco, I think it makes a fine meal on its own with a bitter-leaf salad.Prep 5 min Cook 30 min Serves 41 onion 75g butter, or 15g butter plus 60g bone marrow350g risotto rice (carnaroli, arborio, vialone nano)1 litre beef stock, or chicken or vegetable stock75ml dry white wine (see step 4)1 level tsp saffron threads75g finely grated parmesan, or grana padano or a vegetarian alternativePeel and finely chop the onion; the aim is for it almost to disappear into the dish, rather than remaining as distinct chunks, so take your time over doing this (you could substitute two shallots, if you prefer – their sweetness works particularly well with the flavour of the wine and cheese).Melt a generous tablespoon of the butter in a frying pan set over a medium-low heat, then fry the chopped onion until soft, golden and limp, but not coloured.Turn the heat up to medium-high, add the rice and fry, stirring constantly, until the grains are hot and starting to turn translucent around their edges
2210 By Natty Can Cook, London SE24: ‘Much more than just posh jerk chicken at fancy prices’ – restaurant review | Grace Dent on restaurants
There’s an attention to detail in every dish that makes this place more than fit for a special occasionIt’s 6pm in Herne Hill, south-east London, and I’ve popped out for some Caribbean food wearing fancy athleisure wear. Yoga trousers and a smart hoodie, but PE kit nonetheless. And, once I arrive at 2210 By Natty Can Cook, I realise I am severely underdressed.When chef Nathaniel Mortley announced that he was opening a restaurant that aimed to celebrate Caribbean culture “in style” and to win a Michelin star, his loyal Instagram following, as well as their families and friends, took the brief and dressed accordingly. As fancily plated ackee and saltfish spring rolls passed by, as well as a lot of rum punch, I rustled in my handbag for some bigger earrings and more makeup
‘Simple, well-crafted and excellent’: supermarket chutneys, tasted and rated | The food filter
Our resident taster dipped, spread and dolloped his way through 10 chutneys in time for Christmas, so you don’t get in a pickle choosing one for yourself The fair price for 14 everyday items, from cleaning spray to olive oilThe Guardian’s journalism is independent. We will earn a commission if you buy something through an affiliate link. Learn more.Chutney is a heritage recipe that’s been largely unchanged for a century, and some of the best versions are the simplest and most traditional. That said, even when it’s made on an industrial scale, chutney usually features just fruit, sugar, vinegar and perhaps some pectin
It’s not all about roasting on an open fire – there’s so much more you can do with chestnuts
If I’d ever spared a thought for how chestnuts – the sweet, edible kind, not the combative horsey sort – were harvested, I would probably have conjured rosy-cheeked peasants bent low in ancient forests and filling rough-hewn hessian sacks by hand. Back-breaking labour, sure, but so picturesque!I was delighted, therefore, while on a writing retreat in Umbria last month, to get the opportunity to watch an elderly couple manoeuvre a giant vacuum around their haphazard orchard, followed by their furious sheepdog. The fallen crop was sucked into a giant fan that spat their bristly jackets back out on to the ground, and the nuts then went to be sorted by other family members on a conveyor belt in the barn – the good ones to be sold in the shell, the less perfect specimens swiftly dropped into a bucket for processing.Later in the week, a lorry turned up in the village square to pick up bags from other small local producers, and that evening I roasted a pan of chestnuts on the fire with new appreciation, while loudly bemoaning the disappearance from the streets of London of the chestnut sellers of my childhood (though this makes me sound positively Dickensian, I can confirm that I’m talking about this century. Note also that Nigel Slater is less starry-eyed on the subject
Benjamina Ebuehi’s recipe for apple, brown butter and oat loaf | The sweet spot
I adore a good loaf cake. There’s something about them that’s just inherently cosy and wholesome, and this one in particular is perfect for the colder months, not least because it’s simple and sturdy in the very best way. It’d be right at home with a coffee for breakfast, as well as gently warmed in a pan with butter and served with hot custard on a rainy evening. A real all-rounder.Prep 5 min Cook 1 hr 25 min Serves 8180g unsalted butter 200g light muscovado sugar 2 large eggs 50g soured cream 210g plain flour ½ tsp cinnamon 40g porridge oats, plus extra to finish1½ tsp baking powder ¼ tsp salt 2 eating apples 2 tbsp demerara sugarHeat the oven to 180C (160C fan)/350F/gas 4 and grease and line a 2lb loaf tin
Kids have a wobble in the face of rabbit jelly | Brief letters
I sympathise with Tim Dowling and the challenges of releasing blancmange from a rabbit mould (Jelly’s back! Here are three worth making – and three that should wobble off to the bin, 12 November). My mistake was adding chopped pineapple to the jelly mix, with the resulting jelly looking as though we were seeing the undigested contents of a rabbit’s stomach. My children refused to eat it.Dee ReidTwyford, Berkshire Tim Dowling has missed out one important ingredient from his otherwise commendable recipe for blancmange rabbit: the two sultanas you stick on for the eyes.Jane GregoryEmsworth, Hampshire Regarding concerns over Epstein Road in Thamesmead (Letters, 12 November), spare a thought for those unfortunate residents of Savile Row in central London
Amazon vs Perplexity: the AI agent war has arrived
Crypto market sheds more than $1tn in six weeks amid fears of tech bubble
‘Fear really drives him’: is Alex Karp of Palantir the world’s scariest CEO?
Don’t blindly trust everything AI tools say, warns Alphabet boss
UK consumers warned over AI chatbots giving inaccurate financial advice
Jeff Bezos reportedly launches new AI startup with himself as CEO