Overcoming his irrational fear of coconut products, Nicholas Jordan tests a lovely – and lowly – bunch of coconuts in a rowIf you value our independent journalism, we hope you’ll consider supporting us todayGet our weekend culture and lifestyle emailI have a fear of coconut products.Like all fears it’s based on a questionable rationale and trauma, and my trauma is taste testing “health” coconut-heavy products that taste like soap.Which is why, until recently, almost all the coconut water I’d drunk was from a straw reaching out of a fresh coconut.Surely there’s no way a bottled coconut water, made from 100% coconut, could be that bad.Maybe it could be better than the real thing? I enjoy Melona more than the average honeydew melon.

Other than being comically overhydrated, I had no idea what to expect from this taste test.The taste test included 18 unflavoured coconut waters, each listing only coconut water in the ingredients.The taste test panel was me and seven friends.For everyone but me, it was a blind taste test.We scored each coconut water on aroma and flavour.

Without telling any of the other tasters, I also included a fresh coconut.When it came time to try it, it took me so long to pry the fruit open, I thought I’d blown my cover.“Sorry, took me a while to open the can,” I said.The fresh coconut was, by far, the highest-scoring item of the day.I doubt anyone will be surprised by the fresh version coming on top – nature continues to be Earth’s greatest chef.

But it shows that so many products either didn’t taste like fresh coconut water, were a far worse version – or both.Namely, any product using Filipino coconuts, which are low-sugar, low-taste and smell like sweetened yoghurt.Instead, look for Thai coconut products, which are generally sweet, aromatic and good value.My fears were unfounded.None of the coconut waters are soapy and even the worst products we tried are drinkable, if a little boring or weird.

UFC Refresh Coconut Water, 1L, $3.79 (38c per 100ml), available from select grocersScore: 7/10In taste tests and seemingly all things in life, while a huge amount of attention is dedicated to the best and worst things, there’s less attention for the middle or even the second best.Who has the time and energy to be emotional about a good door handle, the first Thor film, or a train being on time? This is a great example.When everyone had their first sip, there was barely a peep – it was the 16th product we tried but the first to elicit a non-response.What else is there to say about something that delivers exactly what you want, if with a slightly yellow tinge? “Great balance of sweet plus natural.

Entry level one approachable coconut water,” and “Very easy drinking”, the reviewers said,Sounds like the entire point of coconut water,Cocolicious Coconut Water, 1L, $2,59 (26c per 100ml), available from AldiScore: 6,5/10It has a faint honey-like aroma, as if it has been artificially perfumed, and that, along with the sweetness, led reviewers to say things like: “Is this real coconut?”Considering the score, that didn’t seem to be a problem for anyone (although there were a few complaints about it being generic).

If they had known what they were drinking, instead they might have asked: “How is this so cheap?” What a great victory for the rational, frugal and brand-sceptical among us,The cheapest product in the market came second, beating many others more than twice the price,Coles 100% Pure Coconut Water, 1L, $2,85 (29c per 100ml), available from ColesScore: 6/10When you watch a romcom, are you more interested in the fact it’s a romcom or a good movie? If it’s the former, this coconut water is for you,It’s an unsurprising, easy-access product at a good price.

An uncontroversial, liquid Katherine Heigl living on your supermarket shelf.However if you shop at Aldi, there’s no reason to buy this, unless you specifically want a boring coconut water.Kurious 100% Natural Coconut Water, 4x 330ml, $9.90 (77c per 100ml), available from select grocersScore: 6.5/10I remember following my mum and sister into the Body Shop as a kid and, after smelling some kind of coconut body scrub, having a huge desire to eat it.

So eat it I did.I stuck my finger in the sample jar, then in my mouth.It was somehow more foul than my hygiene.But for the few seconds leading up to that moment, I imagined it would taste something like this drink.As far as coconut waters go, this is a total exaggeration, as if it’s been intensified, cooked or altered in some way.

It hasn’t, it’s just naturally very high in sugar (only Tipco had as much naturally occurring sugar per 100g).Many reviewers said it tasted toasted or like pandan, or generally related it to dessert.“Smells like an island holiday”, “Should be an ice-cream”, and “I want natural coconuts to taste like this”, they said.I want coconut body butter to taste like this.H2 Coco Young Green Coconut Water, 1L, $4 (40c per 100ml), available from major supermarketsScore: 6/10Like many coconut waters, it had the same coconut body butter aroma but the taste was more muted, still on the sweet end but without the more intense cooked taste of brands like Kurious.

It’s more of a soft, slightly acidic sugar-water.I find the name funny, as if hydration is a key selling point, not a given.That’s like naming your flatbread brand Carbbread.Raw C Pure Natural Coconut Water, 1L, $5.50 (55c per 100ml), available at major supermarketsScore: 6/10The only low-sugar coconut water to receive a decent score, this tastes like a health food product – you know that kind of underdone, grassy taste that comes with chlorophyll-coloured foods? “Refreshing if you have an open mind, gag-inducing if you’re not prepped for the sourness” and “The nemesis for a coconut water hater, only for the true lovers”, the reviewers wrote.

Cocobella Straight Up Coconut Water, 1L, $5.50 (55c per 100ml), available at major supermarketsScore: 4.5/10The tasters did not know all the products were 100% coconut water, nothing added.After the sixth product – when we tried the real coconut – they speculated various products were artificial or contained additives.Especially this one.

A few reviewers said it smells like Raffaello chocolates.“Wow, rich, cakey and buttery.Tastes expensive to me, albeit not very coconutty,” one reviewer said.Others said it tasted like coconut liqueur, Cherry Ripe, fancy chocolate milk and piña colada.I have no doubt someone will love this.

Is that person you? I guess it depends on your taste for fake luxury.Woolworths 100% Pure Coconut Water, 1L, $2.85 (29c per 100ml), available at WoolworthsScore: 4.5/10I wonder, had I tried this in a blind taste test of different fruit and vegetable drinks, whether I would have guessed it was a coconut product.It’s vegetal and low on sweetness, like how I imagine a radish would taste after another hundred years of girth-maxing selective breeding.

Then the aftertaste has an odd dairy flavour – not uncommon across the test.“Like yoghurt water with electrolytes,” one reviewer said.Another wrote, “Something they’d give out for free at the gym.” It was one of the three coconut waters made with Filipino coconuts, all scored poorly.CocoCoast Natural Coconut Water, 500ml, $2.

50 (50c per 100ml), available at WoolworthsScore: 4/10This was one of the most divisive products in any recent taste test.The highest score, from me, was 7.5 and the second highest was from a reviewer who has a record of scoring all sweet products generously.The lowest score was one out of 10.While I thought it was sweet and basic in a kind of “essence of coconut” way, harsher critics called it “comically fake”.

If you like coconut candy regardless of whether there’s real coconut in it, you should buy this,If you’re a never-desserter, don’t touch this,